When being a mommy is tough....

God knows I feel like the world's WORST mom 99% of the time.  I can think of at least 100,000,000 times I have failed my child and/or let a sweet moment pass without taking the opportunity to show him he means everything to me.  But for all those times, there are the ones where I will stop EVERYTHING to give him my undivided attention.

In THOSE moments, we share that special mother child connection that no one else in the world can understand.  This past year has been the worst kind of torture for me.  Seeing Alex be separated from his daddy, his best friend.  I never had a great relationship with my dad, but I knew when I met Steven that he would make the greatest dad in the world.  That's part of the reason I married him.

Anyway, to see them apart is torture!  Even seeing how Steven reacts to the separation is tough.  Alex has panic attacks at the strangest times.  We have gone through every emotion you can imagine, Anger, hurt, confusion, sadness, etc.  The good thing is that he never holds onto his feelings.  He ALWAYS tells me how he is feeling and what made him feel that way.  I hope that this can continue until he is an adult...even after.  I haven't always had that open dialogue with my parents, and I want that for our family.

At any rate, the only thing he has never been able to articulate to me is why he can't get things done.  "I just can't" is all he says.  Which, until I understood the real problem, frustrated me to NO END.  "What do you mean you can't?!  We don't use that word!  You CAN do anything if you try hard"  You know what we say.  Then I realized, Alex can not complete thoughts.  He can't focus.  He can't concentrate on tasks!  DUH MOM!  I should understand better than anyone!

(Enter guilt stage left)  Yep, the mom guilt enters and you think, "Why didn't I see this before? Why my kid?"  You know the things we ask ourselves.  But more than that I ask, God why do I have to be so high strung with him?  Why am I so mean?  I expect the best out of my kid.  I want him to be a successful adult and contribute to society in a great way.  I want him to feel good about himself and not have to deal with all the things I have had to.  But at what expense? My child's self esteem?  I hope not!

So, what next?  We met with the teacher, we prayed, we have had doctor appointments.  And mostly, I hug him more.  I stop what I am doing to be with him when he needs me.  I think that God gave me these moments without Steven so I could get out of the Dad shadow and love Alex better.  My mom didn't get to spend much time with us, and my dad well....that's a post for another day.  So I haven't been very sure of myself as a mom.

Alex is the best teacher in the entire world.  He teaches me forgiveness daily.  He forgives all of my mommy mess ups.  He teaches me unconditional love.  He loves me in all of my imperfection.  My kid has made me a better person.  For all the negatives of deployment, there is some good.  It has given me a chance to KNOW my kid.  Not just be with him, but get to KNOW him.  Who he is, what he likes, doesn't like, his funny little quirks.  I'm finding that he is more like me than I ever knew.

Thank you, God, for blessing me with this wonderful kid!  Thank you for the joy of getting to know him and being his mommy.  And thank you for the "You're the best mommy in the world" moments that make all the hard stuff worth it!

Whew! This one will make you tired!

So the original intent of this blog was to get out my feelings about deployment and the daily challenges that go along with it.  I got side-tracked by the exercising and dieting and mostly blogged about that.  However, as the last two weeks have proved to be incredibly challenging, I am reminded why I wanted to do this to begin with.  

I am in the middle of packing 5 1/2 years worth of belongings.  We are indeed moving.  Not far, virtually around the corner.  I feel it is important to keep Alex's life as simple as possible right now.  The fewer changes, the better!  But moving and setting up house on my own is much more challenging than I had originally anticipated!  (AND EXPENSIVE!)  However, I'm proud to say that I have set up all the utilities and trash pick up! WOO!!!!

Second, Alex has had SUCH a struggle this year with school!  Last year it was challenging.  This year he is already behind.  The frustrating thing is watching him become so upset and frustrated with himself.  he is such a smart kid, and he KNOWS the answers and what to do.  He just can not seem to focus on tasks!  We are facing a dr. apt. to follow up on his A.D.D. assessment.  

I have heard every opinion there is, but I know what it looks like and I know that when diagnosed and treated properly, medicine CAN help.  I also understand that my child has to work hard as well to overcome this.  So, for all you people with strong opinions one way or another....Opinions are like butt holes.  Everyone has one, and they all stink.  That is all I have to say on that topic!

I went to the funeral home this evening.  A wonderful man ended his battle with cancer.  He strongly resembled (to me at least!) Gene Stallings, and was a perfect example of quiet strength.  I feel for his family, but rejoice that he is in heaven and no longer suffering.  It was terrible to sit in the funeral home, though.  

Not just for the obvious reasons, but every man there, it seemed, had dark salt and pepper hair just like Steven.  They were all about the same height and build and Alex JUST knew his daddy was there.  You & I, however, know that he was not...  Alex FREAKED OUT!  He wanted out of there...NOW!  

I don't blame him.  I can't imagine the emotions of a 6 year old facing the deployment and separation from a parent.  Just a couple of weeks ago, Alex was CERTAIN his daddy was in Heaven.  He sat in my back seat and just sobbed.  "Mommy, I KNOW daddy is in heaven.  Why didn't he say bye!?"  My heart didn't rip, it shattered into a million pieces.  As I held my emotions close, I explained (For the millionth time since Steven left) that Daddy is not in heaven.  He is where he is, doing a job that Alex should be very proud of him for.  

I know this is a very long post, but it helps me put into words these things.  No one, and I mean NO ONE, can truly understand what it is like to be the spouse who stays behind, unless they have been the spouse who has stayed behind.  You don't watch the news because you don't want to know.  You panic when you see a government vehicle anywhere within a 20 mile radius of your house.  There are a million things I could post, but the worst is watching your child struggle.  

As we come upon the 10 year anniversary of that horrible day, I think about how those few men changed the course of history forever.  They changed the future of MY child's life, and of so many others.  I am eternally grateful, that there was another day in history that changed the course of my life.  A baby, born in a manger.  He grew to be a man and died on a cross to save an entire undeserving world.  I know that no matter what this deployment brings, no matter how overwhelmed and stressed I feel, my life is in the hands of the creator.  And HE is going to get us through.  

I have to trust that He knows what's best for my child, too. God knows Alex's future, and He can heal my child's heart.  So tonight I hold him a little closer.  I snuggle him a little tighter.  And I thank God that He holds my child's future, not some crazy men flying planes, not some dr prescribing medicine.  And He holds my future too.  No matter how uncertain everything feels, He has everything under control.

Reflection....

In case you don't know, today is my 8 year wedding anniversary.  8 Years ago today I committed to love a man for the rest of my life.  On days like today I reflect upon my life and things that have happened.  I'm so glad to have made the choice to spend my life with my amazing husband.  And though we are apart for this special day, I still decided to celebrate!  How, you ask?

Why what does anyone do on their anniversary?  I went dancing.  OK, so maybe not, but I did go to Zumba!  The Zumba instructor at my gym is amazing!  It could be I think this because she is also a dear friend, but that's beside the point!  She is great!  It cheered me up and reminded me of all the things to be happy about right now.  I threw everything I had into my workout today!  I danced my butt off.  No low impact version for me!  I am already dying!  My legs are having muscle spasms!  My arms are like cement blocks!  I love it!!!!  I know I gave all I had, and I can never be upset when I do that. 

I left the gym for the grocery store so I could get something good to eat for dinner.  What else would we have, except Steven's favorite?  Mexican!  (A shame he can't enjoy it with us!)  As I am checking out, the young girl at the check out gave me commentary on all my food choices and finally asked, "Are you on a diet!?"  (Derrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!)  I said, "No.  Just making wiser food choices.  I have lost 55 lbs since my husband left for his deployment in January."  (Pride in my voice and face....which immediately fell at the look over and stunned gasp the girl gave me right before saying) "HOW BIG WERE YOU????"

Ouch!  That one stung.  I was too stunned to do anything besides pay and leave with my tail between my legs.  The more I thought about it the more I knew what she meant.  "You're big NOW, how big could you have been 55 lbs ago?!"  As I reflect this evening on my food choices and exercising over the past several months, I think back to my wedding day.  Yes, big mouth girl made me think of my wedding day. 

Right before I got married I had become very complacent in my diet and exercise.  Slowly I began to gain.  I didn't notice it at first, but when I realized I was pregnant, it was too late.  I had already become a "chubalub".  Once I had Alex, I just got bigger and bigger until...well, I was 5'2 and 278 lbs!  Something had to be done!  THIS is why I am so determined to accomplish this goal! 

This girl saw in me what I see in my reflection daily.  Though I HAVE done an amazing job and lost so much weight, (Insert back pat here) I have a LONG way to go.  If you do the math you will see that I am now 5'2 (which is honestly a generous height) and 225 lbs.  This is still very large for a person of my stature! 

Today is a good day for reflection.  Reflecting on the commitment I made to a wonderful man 8 years ago.  Reflecting on how far I have come in this journal, but remembering how easy it is to become complacent and lazy in my journey.  NO MORE!  Thank God for a rude girl speaking her mind.  It woke up the inner skinny girl ready to push her way out!

If you're going through Hell, keep going!

I have been thinking today.  I know I know I know!  Dangerous, right?  So yeah, thinking.  I came to the conclusion that I have GOT to just make up my mind and push past pain and fatigue to do what needs to be done.  I wake up exhausted.  I feel like if I don't nap in the day I will never make it.  However, I'm learning that the harder I push myself, the more I desire to reach my goals. 

This may seem like a "DUH!" kind of moment to most of you.  For me, it seemed that no matter how determined I was, I was NOT seeing a difference in anything!  No difference in my appearance, no difference in my performance, no difference on the scales.  The beauty of a blog, however, is that you can go back and look at your progress!

I read that I could barely swim 25 yards the first day I tried it.  I read all the pounds lost.  I read the frustration, excitement, concern.  Today I can look at pictures and see glimpses of inches lost.  (Though I do wish it was somewhere besides my face) The main difference is how I feel!  Though I am extremely tired a lot of the time, I feel so much better than I have in such a long time!

Look at all of the things I am able to do now that I was not able to do 6-7 months ago!  Today I can swim 3000 yards in a little over the time it took me to do 1500!  Today I can jog....period.  I could barely walk a mile when I first started!  I was able to climb 5 million stairs for the zipline, raft, play, and on and on and on.  I am proud of myself! 

Every new milestone, I have a renewed sense of accomplishment.  It makes me want to push that much further and try that much harder.  In October I have 2 HUGE events.  First, I will be jogging the 5K Race For The cure!  I can't wait.  I WILL finish!  Second, I am going to swim my first swim meet in over 16 years!!!!  It's terrifying and thrilling all at once! 

So as these HUGE goals loom before, I'm focused and determined.  NOTHING will stand in my way! 

What a difference a day makes!

OK, I admit.  I got the summer lazies and didn't post much.  Partly because there really wasn't much to post, and partly because I wasn't seeing ANY results!  However, two things happened today to renew my desire to push forward!  "What are they?"  you ask.  Well, THAT is what this blog is all about!

First, I had a great swim!  Though not one of my longer distances, I pushed myself very hard.  It was one of those "leave it all in the pool" kinda swims.  I don't do that often when the Swim Nazi is not there to push me. (Nothing but Love for you, Denise!)  But today I just felt the need to kill it.  So I did. 

As I stretched, I realized something.  It took me the same amount of time to do 2400 yards today as it did to do 1200 yards the first day I got in the pool in January!!!  I did TWICE the distance in the same amount of time.  THIS, my dear friends, is PROGRESS!!!!  And for that, I pat myself on the back! 

The second thing that happened is not nearly as exciting for me, but still pretty amazing!  So, Steven came home for his R&R, and I GAINED 8 HUGE lbs!  Once he returned, school was out, and life got unorganized.  I don't do well with "unorganization" (is this even a word?!), though I am NOT an organized person by any stretch of the word!  So my routine went out the window.  And though I was working my butt off, I was not watching my food.  Add in a few vacations and you get yoyo weight!

I never gained too much, but I couldn't lose for anything!  I am PLEASED to tell you that when I weighed this morning, I have lost 3 lbs this week!  (That puts me 1lb over the weight I was when Steven got home....)  WOO HOO!!!!!  With school in, and many things to do before school gets out, including squeezing in a good workout, it's so much easier for me to stick to the plan.  So my hardwork, and non-splurging ways have paid off this week!  And thank God!  I was about ready to give up!

What now?  Well, NOW I really do refocus and push myself to do what needs to be done.  Realistically, I will not lose 70 lbs before Steven comes home, but another 50 is completely doable!  That would make my weight loss just over 100 lbs since January!  Keep the encouragement coming, and let's get the next 50 off!!!!

Vacation!

So I went on a super fun vacation with one of my dearest friends, who is also a part of my husband's family.  I am reflecting today on motivation and progress.  I had a moment in the middle of our vacation where I realized how out of shape I was 6 months ago.  I didn't realize, and still don't fully comprehend, how poorly I had cared for myself! 

As I was paddling while we rafted I kept thinking, "I feel STRONG!  I could do this all day!"  I never fatigued.  I couldn't believe it!  As we climbed the 500,000,000 steps (or at least that is how it felt) on the towers to the different zip lines, I never had to stop and rest.  I made it to the top each time!  AND I did not hold anyone else back....no one waited on me to hurry up!  As a matter of fact the only time anyone had to wait for me was when I was taking pictures, and then I easily caught up with the rest of the group.

I use to break a sweat just standing.  I would get tired just standing around!  While I did sweat a lot this weekend, it was more due to the fact that the heat index was close to 115 most of the time, and less to do with high blood pressure and my lack of fitness.  How freeing for me to not only participate, but ENJOY such an active vacation!

I'm terribly frustrated looking at my pictures.  I wish the outside matched how I FEEL inside.  I FEEL like a new person!  I FEEL light and healthier than I have felt in YEARS....  I guess the outside will come with time.  Such a roller coaster this weight loss journey!  However, for today, I celebrate the accomplishment of all the things I was able to do, that I KNOW I could not have when I started this journey!  Small victories!

Reasons why YOU should fall in love with Swimming!

I am from the south, the DEEP south, where accents are deep and tea is sugary sweet!  THE question is not what team do you cheer on, but rather "Alabama or Auburn".  THIS decides your status in the state.  A deep rich, FUN rivalry.  Football is EVERYTHING!  While I do enjoy Auburn football (WAR EAGLE!), I am a sweet southern Belle, after all.  Alabamian through and through!  There is another sport that holds my heart's strings and brings joy and excitement to my life.  If you know me at all, you know what this is!

There are a million reasons why one should fall in love and get into the sport of swimming.  I, myself, swam for 9 years competitively when I was young.  It holds a special place in my heart because it is such a HUGE part of my life.  I, however, am going to give you MY top 5 reasons:

1.  Swimmers really are the most down to earth athletes.  They love and appreciate their fans far more than any other sport.

2.  Swimming is a difficult sport, and unless you have ever done it, you can not imagine the pain, time, and dedication needed to be great at it.  Swimming uses every muscle in your body at all times! 

3.  Swimming gives back to the community endlessly!  When a swimmer becomes accomplished, their usual response is how can I use this to give back to those around me?  I know a lot of sports do this, but please see reason #1.  There is a certain genuineness in a swimmer you just do not find in any other sport.  They believe in the cause they support!

(You get the picture!)

4.  It is an individual AND a team sport!  You cheer on the team you want to win, be it a country, college, or program.  AND you can pick PEOPLE to cheer on!  I am of course a TEAM USA  and Auburn Swim fan.  However, I also follow several Australian, Japanese, etc swimmers who are VERY talented.  There is a flavor for everyone, and it is INTERNATIONAL!

5.  YOU can BE a swimmer NOW!  No matter what your age, you can get out there and get involved with the sport, NOW!  This sport has no age or skill limits!  Look over my blog.  Read my journey thus far.  I'm 31, and I am hoping to get back into the competition circuit, again.  If you are too old to swim in the collegiate or club level, you can get involved in the Masters program. 

These are just a FEW of the reasons I follow swimming.  I am a swimmer, and I adore this sport!  I hope that my enthusiasm will make you want to get your feet wet and dabble in the sport of swimming!  Open your heart and mind to an addictive, fun experience!  And go out an DO IT!

She's no Rebecca Soni!

Why oh why did I have my coach video me swimming for that sweet man I married?  It completely CRUSHED all the images in my head of what I looked like swimming!  First of all, isn't the water suppose to make us SKINNY!?  HELLO!  We are suppose to disappear under water!  Who forgot to inform my camera of this news????

Second, I KNEW I was slow!  But seriously!!!!!  I'm bringing the inhaler Wednesday and going ALL OUT!  I mean, I am barely moving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Please excuse the excessive use of punctuation, but I want you to "hear" my tone.)  I gotta work on that!  How is one to COMPETE, when one is BARELY moving!?  No wonder I am always sucking Mo's bubbles!

OK, so form.  Lastly, my form is not anything like what I imagine in my head.  I now understand what the Swim Nazi, I mean Denise (she can read this now!  hahahaha) meant when she told me I was too cautious with my stroke.  Why the heck are there no splashes???????????????  I am going to get this swimming thing done!  You guys just sit back and watch! 

Until then....lots of practice...I gotta work on my speed and splashes!

On another note, can I get a WOOP WOOP for 14th FINA World Championships????  JEAH!

Yeah, I did it!

Well, it is 800 degrees outside, but Roxanne and I still did our little jog!  I'm proud!  I probably did not jog as much as I think in my head that I did, but I feel like I jogged more than last time!  THIS is good news!  So yeah, I jogged in bazillion degree weather!  Go me!

Today I also did some weight training and my food diary is back on track.  I have been much more focused this week than I was last week.  Seeing the big picture!  It helps that I know how many calories I have to burn to lose weight!  Speaking of....

My scale has gone kaput!  I can't weigh myself anymore.  I don't know if this is a good thing or not!  I am obsessive about weighing myself, but not weighing myself takes away an element of accountability.  Not sure what to do about this.

Well, off to a soak in the tub and a warm snuggle with a sweet little man! Until tomorrow!

Say WHAT!?

Today I have good news and better news!  Ok, well it may not actually be good news to you, but it is for me!  So, I was the only one at Masters tonight.  (Side note: I find it interesting that adults pay for this program and don't show up to fulfill their commitments!  Isn't keep your promises what we preach to our kids?  Just sayin')

OK, so I am the only one there tonight, and I have coach Nazi to myself.  This is kind of a good thing since she was able to sit and really look at my stroke and help me with some technical things I know I am failing at.  I mean something I REALLY need to work on is my walls.  My turns are sloppy and slow, and I am breathing as I come off the wall.  In my defense, after a 16 year hiatus from the sport, I think I am doing pretty dang good!  I know my times can be shaved pretty tight if I can get my walls together though.

Also, I did a stroke I have not done in 16 years, butterfly.  I GOT A COMPLIMENT!!!!!!  I, Terri 31 year old Melvin, got a compliment from the coach...in BUTTERFLY!  For those not into swimming, fly is NOT an easy stroke.  It takes grace, coordination, strength, stamina....it's a tough tough stroke to master!  And my coach said (drum roll) "Your fly looks GREAT!"  OK, maybe this is not the greatest of all compliments to some of you, but if you know swimming, you know this is an honor!  Maybe it's just me since my very first meet at age 4 I swam the 25 yard fly....AND WON! 

So the good news maybe wasn't so much news but tiny compliments through the practice.  "Your strokes are great!  But you are just too careful with your free.  Your turn around is slow and you don't splash at all."  You might have missed the compliment there so let me back it up for you, "Your strokes are great!"  (Even said with enthusiasm!)  Granted my backstroke I tried to kill myself tonight!  But to know that my breaststroke and Butterfly actually look good after 16 years out of the pool...AWESOMENESS to the CORE!

We did a small set tonight, only 1900 yards, but it was a tough one!  600 warm up (300 swim, 200 pull, 100 kick)  12 x 50's (kick, drill, swim) fly, back, breast, free.  4 x 150 free negative builds with 30 seconds rest. (Final 150 is full on sprint)  200 cool down.  (Maybe it was a 2000yd workout)  The 3rd 150 I was sicking air!  And there Coach Nazi was cheering me on and telling me I could do it!  This is why i can't possibly actually hate this woman!  She is good people!

I feel tonight, like I have accomplished a lot since starting masters!  1. I no longer wear a swim dress, but a real speedo suit!  2. I am doing things I never dreamed I would actually attempt again (swimming fly!)  3. I FEEL better!  (I'm tired and sore, but in the best possible way)  4. I love this sport and everything about it, and now I am a participant, not just a spectator.  I have my sights set on a meet in Auburn in February!  Here's to reaching those goals!!!!

1st 5k!!!!

I had a fun "workout" with my bub this morning.  We played Wii Fit.  I realized something, though.  Games are not fun for me.  I am a winner, and I am out to win!  I know, right?  So I am playing boxing with Alex and each time he doesn't do it exactly right I am like wanting to scream at him.  (Mom of the year right here)  But in the end I let him do his best, and he was happy so that's all that matters! 

I also sent out my registration for the very first 5k!  I will be participating in the 1st Annual Save-A-Life Santa Run!  So glad my friend, Roxanne, happened to notice it in our church bulletin!  I'm scared I won't be able to live up to expectations I feel like people have placed on me.  However, if I can just do it at all, I will be thrilled!  The last 5k I unwillingly participated in, I might have skipped through the course and found a short cut to the finish line....

Watch out people, today 5k, tomorrow 10k....the future.....?  IRON MAN!  OH YEAH!  I'm moving forward!

2 Workouts

OK, so I didn't blog last night, but I have a good reason.  I really, kinda, had nothing to say!  I mean, I figure you would rather read something different than me telling you how hard swimming is or how tough I worked out...AGAIN.  So, today I have 2 workouts to blog.

First, I did my first OFFICIAL P90X workout.  KenpoX.  IT. WAS. AWESOME!!!!!!!!  It was like taking all the anger I was feeling, and all the aggression about everyday frustrations and kicking their butt!  YESSSSS!!!!  My legs already feel as if they are filled with concrete, but that is beside the point!  I think that this may be my new stress go to work out!

Last night, I was late to swim so I had a tiny BLAH workout.  Hence the reason I have nothing to tell you about!  It was a neat night, though.  Denise (AKA Swim Nazi) got in and worked out with us!  Now I hate her even more because she has a bangin' body, she sweet as anything, AND she swims more graceful than a ballerina!  UGH!  (If you are keeping up, I love her to death, but want to hate her so badly!)

I enjoyed the workout I did.  I wish I could have finished it.  DARN THE TIME CONSTRAINTS!  I was able to complete all but 300 yards of the workout, which means I did 2100 yards.  "Wow!  that's still great, Terri," you say.  However, I have become accustomed to doing a hard 2500-3000 in one evening.  I was extremely disappointed.  AND today I didn't feel sore at all.  Time to step things up a notch!

Two great days of workouts, great ATTEMPTS at sticking to my diet (I do well until about 4:00, and then I want SUGAR!!!!!), and my attitude and heart are STILL in it.  Looking at a great week and hoping for some number droppage!  WOOP!

Tonight I almost cried in front of my coach.  I could totally hear Tom hanks saying, "Are you CRYING!?  There's no crying in swimming!"  But tonight there would have been.  Luckily I held it together!  WHEW!

Why cry? you ask....  Well, I am having trouble pushing myself to the limit.  I can't seem to break that barrier to force my body to do something I know it CAN do!  I know my form is off, I know my stroke looks sloppy, and to top it all off, I AM SLOW!  I know that I shouldn't let this bother me, but I want to do swim meets so badly!  I want to RACE!  I would get my butt handed to me in a race today. 

So I was making such great progress, then the past week and a half my body has just REFUSED to cooperate!  Well, I finally figured out the problem tonight!  I'll put it this way:  I've come to the end of my sentence!  "Nough said!

So, then I also have pulled my groin muscle.  I'm not normally a baby about these things.  I'm actually very good at sucking it up, but I WANTED to die after practice!  I mean I was in such horrible pain!  Couldn't walk, barely was able to get in the truck!  It was NOT pretty!  After icing it up tonight, I'm FINALLY hitting the hay!  And not a moment too soon!  It's already tomorrow! 

Here's to a weekend of rest and hoping to heal so I can kill it again!  Monday is going to be good if my leg will cooperate!

All I do is win....

OK, well relatively speaking anyway!  When I don't give up, I win!  When I give it my all, I win!  When it hurts, and I keep going, I win!  When I really don't want to, but I do it anyway....I WIN! 

Today I was DETERMINED to not get in my own way!  I ate much better.  I drank more water.  I got some housework accomplished.  And I had a killer swim practice.  I say killer because I thought it really would kill me! 

We did 2200 yds tonight.  Pyramids!  I thought I would love this, except that I am frequently reminded of how over weight and out of shape I am!  I am so much slower than my other team mates!  I'm like that fat kid, whose mom signed them up just so they could get them to do SOMETHING active! 

I have pretty much gotten over the fact that I am no swimsuit model, and will probably never be.  I have gotten over the fact that I am pretty much the oldest person who practices at the time we do.  I have also pretty much gotten over the walk of shame.  I mean, I do it so often now, I just ignore the people on deck! 

The one thing I can NOT get over is that I am so stinkin' slow!  I mean, anyone who knows me knows that I am VERY competitive!  I DO NOT lose.  It's not that I don't like to lose.  I DON'T lose!  Board games, card games, etc.  I don't accept defeat graciously!  (Just ask my poor hubby!)  I hate that I am always the slowest one out there!  I sometimes push myself too hard and forget to pace myself, because I don't like losing!  Though, we really aren't racing!

So tonight, I am singing my song...."All I do is win win win, no matter what!"  If I don't give up and keep going when it's tough, then I really am a winner.  At least in the self satisfying way, anyway.  Besides, I DON'T lose!

Skeletons in the closet...

I usually don't share certain parts of my life, because I find it places a label upon my head.  However, God put it on my heart to blog  a little about one of those things tonight.  I feel as if I should be sitting in a room of people and stand up and say, "Hi, my name is Terri, and I suffer from severe depressive disorder."  "Hi Terri."  "Hi group!"

This is a true story, though.  I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember.  I understand most people suffer from self loathing in one way or another.  Especially women as we have a certain standard of beauty placed upon us.  Mine goes much deeper than that. 

I was 15 years old and going to my brother-in-law's youth group.  I had made my dad angry over something, and instead of the general teenage response, it is ALL MY PARENTS' FAULT!  I took the blame, and I also took a safety pin and scratched the word STUPID into my calf.  I wanted to always remember how stupid I was.  This was sure to remind me, and also my first time to cut. 

It became glaringly clear after that how cutting myself became a way to make mental anguish physically tangible.  I continued to do this off and on for many years, until I was 28 years old in fact.  I have to stop here and make it clear, I do not share this to get an "OH MY!  How awful for you!" or any response at all.  However, this story does have a point! 

You see, even my husband was unaware of how serious my depression and cutting were, until one day I nearly killed myself.  My son, who was 2 at the time, walked into the room right as I was about to slit my wrist.  Now, MOST people think that slitting your wrist is a stupid way to commit suicide, and most people only do that to get attention.  For me, it was the most comfortable way I felt in hurting myself. 

Praise God for that wonderful kid!  He saved my life, and he continues to do so day after day.  As the years have passed, I have learned more about what I call my disease.  I truly believe depression is a disease too often over looked!  It eats away at a person, until there is an empty shell left. 

An adult with insight into this awful condition, I try to watch myself for signs of melt downs.  I watch for ways my life shows that I am heading into a valley.  Extreme sleepiness, muscle aches, impatience, headaches, etc.  For me, depression becomes a very physical thing.  Today I hit a rock bottom.

I woke up hurting so bad I couldn't even breath.  My head was pounding, and all I could think was, "If I could just sleep, I would feel 100% better."  The more I slept, the worse I felt.  I ended up lying on the couch for hours!!!  No shower, finally brushed my teeth around 5:00 pm.  (I know it's gross, but when your body is so weary....) 

Today my disease beat me.  It won the battle, and I ended up wasting an entire day on my couch with my eyes closed blocking out the world.  I feel extreme guilt tonight because I missed playing with my sweet son.  I didn't eat healthy and definitely didn't exercise.  Where does this leave me? 

With a choice.  What do I do with this?  I pick myself up tomorrow and dust off the guilt and pain.  I move and exercise and LIVE.  I learn from what happened and push on.  I don't know why God put it on my heart to write this out.  Maybe so I can see the words for myself.  Maybe so someone can read them and learn?  Maybe because I need you to know how very much your encouraging words mean to me. 

At any rate, tomorrow is another day! 

Keep on keeping on...

So I took Trudi's advice, and today I did an anaerobic workout.  I have lost my motivation lately.  I think it is because numbers are not moving the way that I want them to, and I am not seeing the results as quickly as I think I should.  Having said that, today's workout was just what I needed!

Today was something different and challenging!  I did upper body super-sets and abs.  Two pretty great things about super-sets: 1. It keeps your heart rate up due to minimal rests.   2. It passes quickly!  What is better than a quick effective workout!?  The only thing about circuits and super sets, they ALWAYS give me the shakes.  I am up for any suggestions how to combat this!  I ate an orange when I finished today....

So, knowing that I am changing things up and heading into a holiday weekend, I have decided NOT to get too excited about journaling my food intake until the 4th is over.  I DO NOT plan to go overboard...however, I am going to enjoy the good food, family, & friends! 

Yesterday's workout has me, literally, screeching every time I stand or sit.  LOVE IT!  I wonder how I will fare tomorrow during Masters?  It could get ugly! Especially since I did the upper body circuit today!

I have made up my mind to NOT get discouraged with my progress and to push forward.  Having a new game plan will help me move in the right direction.  Encouragement is a MUST when enthusiasm and "want to" are simply lacking!  I do, however, still have my eyes on the prize!  70 lbs to go!  WISH ME LUCK!

Nothing like a visit with an old friend!

Today I did my workout in a very different, yet familiar place.  I went to see my friend, Trudi.  She owns the gym that I first fell in love with working out in.  She was my first workout partner, and she taught me everything I know about nutrition and exercise.  I KNEW that if anyone would know about these headaches and why I can't seem to drop more weight, she would know!

The first thing was she wanted to give me some good exercises and things to do to mix up my routine.  We did a little leg workout together, and HOLY COW!  I feel it already!  Walking runner lunges, side squats, dead lifts, leg raises side and back, several different angled squats, and standing lunges....  We did them in super-sets, we did them alone.  It felt amazing to hurt again!

I know that sounds crazy, but (and I think most athletes would agree) I love that feeling you get when you walk across the floor with jelly legs!  It means I did something pretty great with my body!  There is nothing like getting past the mental block in your head, and accomplishing a tough set! 

So we decided several things.  We are going to look into my diet first.  I am going to journal everything I eat for the next two weeks and give it to her.  I will discuss our other thoughts if we have to explore them!  In the mean time, I am taking a new look at food and my diet.  Phase 1 of my diet I was cutting portions and exercising.  Simple enough!  Phase 2, I am fueling my body.  I am going to eat to live not live to eat! 

Thank you God for such great friends and connections!

Dear Self,

Dear Self,

Do not let another full week go by without doing pool training!  Do not eat poorly while you are on active rest.  Do not give up during practice, and do NOT quit swimming!!!

Tonight was a tough practice.  The Nazi did my favorite, sprints!  BLAH!  I'm such a slow person.  I want to compete, and I HATE HATE HATE to lose!  However, I am SO STINKIN' SLOW!  Tonight we did diving sprints.  This is the first time I have done a start of any sort since I was like 16 years old. It was frightening and invigorating all at once!

I survived the workout.  I wasn't sure I was going to.  At one point I wanted to tell her I couldn't continue!  But I put my head down and pushed past the mental block and JUST DID IT!  It felt GOOD!  I was tired, out of breath, and felt completely out of shape!  It also felt good to not give up on myself!  There is nothing like shutting that voice in your head up that always says, "Just quit"  "What is it going to hurt?"  "What is half a workout?  At least you did this much"

I shut that voice up, and I DID IT!  I was the slowest one, at the end, by half of the length of the pool, but I FINISHED!  And that is all that matters!  Looking forward to another great workout in the morning.  For the time being, I am hitting the hay!  Until the next time.....

God is faithful....I can dig it!

I did not work out today.  I feel a little bit guilty about it, but then I have been on my feet decorating the youth room getting ready for VBXtreme most of the day.  I think that though I did not do a formal workout, I had enough activity going on that I got the recovery I needed in, but I still got some colories burned.  Let's hope anyway!

So tomorrow brings a busy weekend with it!  I'm truly hoping that I am not so pooped I can not workout!  However, it is the good kind of tired!  I love working with the kids at my church!  Can't wait to see God do amazing things :)  He is faithful!  I can dig it!

Now let's hope we have a good turn out and my 76 tiny shells are not all for no reason!!!!!!

It started out as a crummy day.  I missed Steven's bed time call.  I didn't think I would catch him online this morning.  I weighed and had gained 3 lbs.  I wanted a chicken biscuit from Jack's NOT the protein shake I was concocting!  I was just flat out grumpy!

I have come to the conclusion that I have the best friends in the entire world!  They always encourage me when I'm down, and push me to keep going towards my goals!  This morning was no exception.  I whined, and they came to my rescue! 

I did the 3 mile work out and 15 minutes of Pilates this morning.  I am so stinking sore!  I'm not sure if I am letting my body recover enough or not.  My protein drink was actually pretty dynamite!  With frozen fruit mixed in, it was more like a fruit smoothie than a drink to torture me, reminding me I can not have greasy chicken biscuits.

After working out and straightening a little, I got the kid ready and we went to the store.  I bought all the ingredients (which, btw, are really easy to find in a regular grocery store.)  We came home and started on the soup.  Just so you know, if you are not quick with a knife and an accomplished chef, this recipe takes LOTS of prep time!  It's still simmering away in the pot, waiting for me to delve into it yumminess! 

I did the calculations....and they are ROUGH, but one serving is around 200 calories!  Not bad!  The recipe is below.  Check it out for your family....or got to Chili's and order it!  You will NOT be disappointed...  Ok, well you may bc I haven't tasted the home made version yet, BUT if it tastes like it smells....WOW! 

http://www.desktopcookbook.com/recipe/85775/Chilis-Chicken---Green-Chili-Soup.htm

So I did my 3 mile workout this morning.  Why do I STILL want to quit half of the way through EVERY workout!  Swimming, I could swim for hours, but other workouts, I just want to stop!  I love working out too.  So weird. 

Anyway, definitely sore from last night's workout, but in the best possible way!  I have eaten much better today, too.  Always a plus.  Not much to write.  I'm so tired I can barely even think tonight!  So looking forward to working out with Shelle Belle in the morning, and then another good swim tomorrow evening :)  CAN'T WAIT!

"Good job, Terri!"

Yes, you read that right!  I got a good job, tonight.  What's even better is I got a "You have a very pretty breaststroke."  *sigh*  Yes, thank you thank!  THAT was what I need to hear to keep my momentum up!  Who knows, I might be competing in a month if I stick with it!  How awesome would that be?!

OK, so before I dive any further into my workout.  I must discuss my junk food hangover!  I don't know how many of you have ever had one of these hangovers, but it is not fun AT ALL.  It is mostly remorse!  I know I need to lose weight!  I have such great encouragement!  I messed up and ate popcorn and reese's pieces, among other things.  The scale never lies, and buddy did it tell on me this morning!

As a result, I decided to refocus, recenter, and be ready!  So I start out great with my eating.  Then I notice the Nutella jar in the cabinet.  Having never tasted it, I decide, what can it hurt to have a little taste.  I opened an amazingly yummy can of worms!  I have decided that it is of the Devil, sent here to ambush my weight loss dreams!  I have a jar up for grabs!  Come take it!  That's all I have to say about that because now my mouth is watering, and I want a nibble!

So I went to practice this evening, and I am thinking that I might be ready for a meet sooner than I thought :)  Go me!  It may be a 50 yard sprint, but who cares, really?  All that matters is that I kicked serious butt in practice tonight!  AND I got a Good job!  I think I will have sweet sweet dreams about kicking some swim butt.  Watch out guys!  Terri is on the road to Masters Swimming! 

I end this with a phrase I never thought I would be able to say again :)  I am officially a swimmer again!  *sigh*  It feels good!

I'M the biggest loser!

Since I don't know if we are actually having a swim practice tonight due to weather, I decided to go ahead and try the Biggest Loser workout on my Wii.  Uh...yeah!  I hope, if we do practice, I do not have to do anything too strenuous because that was killer!!!!!!

First off, let me just point out that I am proud I even got the Wii set up!  This is usually Steven's job as setting up electronics is "Man Work".  Also, I am afraid of messing something up!  However, seeing as my sweet husband is THOUSANDS of miles away right now, I had to suck it up and do it.  Nothing caught on fire, short circuited, or blew up.  The Wii works.  MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

So I put in the workout fully expecting to just have fun.  I was dripping sweat, yes DRIPPING, by the time I was finished.  My legs were shaking, my arms were shaking, and I JUST KNEW I was going to pass out!  Thank God for watermelon.  A good sugary snack post workout!  Love this stuff!!!!!  Needless to say, no wonder these people lose so much weight on that show AND no wonder the trainers have to be so mean!  It is tough!

I do want to log in some extra gym time.  We may go tonight just so I can get some extra cardio in.  Who knows?  Today's life lesson:  "Games" are not always fun!

How many times do you get a second chance at a dream?

Tonight I have been thinking about where I am, and how far I have come.  You know, in December I checked my blood pressure, and it was 146/99.  I checked it a week ago, and it has dropped to 122/79!  I still can put pictures side by side and not see a bit of difference.  However, as I was out and about today, I almost lost my shorts a few times.  I bent over at the gas station, and thank God I had on a swim suit!  They fell to my ankles!!!

There are things in life that we want so bad.  I want to be in shape.  The way I in-vision myself in my head, and the person I see in the mirror are not even close to the same!  I swam competitively for 9 years of my life.  I can't tell you now why I even quit!  I WILL tell you that I had the chance to go out for the school's team in high school, and I was too afraid.  I have kicked myself a million times for not doing it.  I have said at least 100,000,000 times that if I ever got the chance to swim again, I would JUMP on it.  I WANT to swim!

So many people say that I inspire them to work harder or get moving.  That's humbling for me.  Seriously, I am simply jumping on the second chance God threw my way.  If I was to think about it, it would be a SIN to not take advantage of the opportunities before me.  God has handed me these things on a silver platter, and I am gracefully accepting them with my whole heart!

Thank you, God, for second chances!!!!!  May my child learn to dream big and follow his heart!

P.S. I did a 1 1/2 mile walk tonight.  Nothing big.  Had to work out the kinks from the weeks tough work out.  back to the swimming nazi tomorrow!

No, I didn't drown.....But I almost did!

The good news?  I did not drown.  The bad news?  I almost did.  That MIGHT be an over exaggeration, possibly....

In all seriousness, I feel much better about the way I swam tonight.  I felt more fluid and coordinated.  That doesn't mean much coming from me as coordinated is never a word someone would use to describe me.  (Ask my Fall Ball buddies from last season!)  But I felt good about how I performed in practice today. 

I don't recall the last time my arms felt as sore as they do right now.  I don't recall the last time I was so tired from just hard work.  I will tell you, though, that I love every ache and pain.  It is like a tiny notch in my belt moving me that much closer to my goals!

So about drowning, we had a TOUGH workout today!  In the 2nd to last set, we had to do 400 free, with ascending 100's....which means every 100 is faster than the one before.  The last hundred you are sprinting.  (Have I mentioned that the last time I did this I was 16?  Just wanted to point that out again!)  OK, so I am in it!  Pushing, muscles screaming, legs burning, but I am SWIMMING and it felt good!  Then I hit the wall.

If you run marathons, you know ALL ABOUT THE WALL.  I hit it.  SMACK!  I could not breath.  Now this isn't like running where you can slow down, and walk.  NO I had to STOP!  Ms. Nazi, I mean Denise, comes over and is like, "You ok?!"  "Yeah, just lost my breath."  "How ya feel?"  (with that deceptively sweet voice and face) "Well, I'm not going to throw up, if that's what you mean."  "Good!  Gimme that last 50!!!  Go!"  So, I DIDN'T drown, but I thought I might! 


Today has been a good confidence builder for me for many reasons.  1. I'm down 3 more of the 7 lbs I gained while Steven was home on R&R.  WOOOH!!!!! (only 2 more to where I was when he got here!)  2. We did a lot of kicking tonight.  Kicking is my strong point!  3. I was NOT the slowest person tonight!!!!  YEA!!!!!

Now a fun day of swimming with my good friend, Christa, tomorrow.  I'm thinking I might get INSANE tomorrow morning, with some cardio recovery though ;)  And back at the grind Friday, for another night of torture with the swimming Nazi.  I feel genuinely happy for the first time in MONTHS!  Thank you, God, for blessing me with a second chance to pursue something I love so much!

Back in the Saddle Again!

I had such a disappointing night last night!  After my swim, I felt like such a failure.  Hopefully, you will come to know me better through this blog.  However, those who know me well know I hate when things don't come easily to me or I don't do as well as I feel I should. 

For example, a few years ago I went to Colorado (my second happiest place on earth!) with my youth group.  EVERYONE was snowboarding, and I was in decent shape at this point in my life.  I tried it.  What a baby I became when I couldn't stay on my feet for more than 15 seconds on that stupid board!  I literally cried and screamed!  Such a poor showing on my part.  I'm slightly embarrassed by it NOW.  At the time, I could not for the life of me figure out why my body would not do what my mind was telling it to!  Two painfully slow, grueling hours later, I made it down the bunny slope...the first time.  Yes, 2 hours for my first run down.  Please understand that most of this time was spend on my rear!  The next day I chose skis and didn't fall...not even once!  One must redeem one's self when one let's one's self down!

This morning I woke with aching muscles and a bruised pride, not unlike the enormous bruises I went home with that day on the bunny slope!  I had a quiet time of reflection while Alex was still sleeping.  In that time I decided I must do something extremely tough and familiar to bring the confidence back up!  So I pulled out the old Leslie videos and did a hard core 30 minute weight loss walk.  Then I did what I do best, weights! 

(Terri's 2 cents:  I don't understand women who refuse to do weight training.  Women are not built genetically to be bulky!  By building muscle we increase our metabolism and strength!  Muscle gives us endurance and strong hearts.  A workout of simple cardio is an imbalanced workout!)

So I worked my core, bi's, tri's, chest, shoulders and back.  These are workouts I can make my body do with ease!  I felt strong and confident lifting and pushing!  I think I am back in the saddle and ready to be tortured by the Swimming Nazi again tomorrow night!  Today's lesson: If at first you don't succeed, do something you know you can, and try the other thing again later!  Now for a hot shower and some muscle cream...I'm so sore!!!!!!

NEVER, ever, ever, ever give up!

OK, so I have a tiny confession to make.  Friday, I MIGHT have been the only person without a life to show up to Masters Swim Practice.  *hanging head in shame*  It took GUTS to get there!  It took guts to swim for the coach in front of all the people splashing about recreationally.  It DID take guts.  TONIGHT?  It took nothing but sheer determination.  With four other swimmers, leaving me in a sea of bubbles....nothing but determination!

I truly wanted to give up tonight.   I never really want to give up.  Tonight, I wanted to throw in the towel and call it quits.  I tell ya, it was not because it was a tough workout, or because it hurt.  It was because it took me TWICE as long to complete the sets as everyone else.  TWICE AS LONG PEOPLE!  At one point, I literally ate my lane buddy's bubbles.  I thought I was going to drown!

I reached deep deep deep (I had to) down into my gut, and I pulled the full workout out of me somehow.  It was the biggest fight of nerves and determination I have ever had!  How bad do I want to do this?  Am I willing to come week after week and nearly drown in order to reach my goal?  Am I willing to humble myself in front of these guys and humiliate myself week after week.  The answer tonight was, YES!

I can not even see a finish line to my goal to compete.  What I CAN see is that I love this sport!  I love the way it makes me feel.  I love the way my body moves through the water.  I love that this is a sport that,  though I am S-L-O-W, comes very easy to me.  I WILL compete again one day!  I will!  It may take a year or ten, but it IS going to happen!

As for tonight, I am just proud I didn't give up!  I'm proud that I kept swimming even though I was repeatedly lapped.  I'm proud of what little bit I have accomplished no matter how slow I am.

Almost one week down, and I've survived!!!!!

For the first time in a long time, I didn't have trouble waking up this morning.  I didn't sleep great last ngiht, but enough.  My body automatically woke up at 5:15-ish.  What does one do when one wakes up well before they expect?  WORK OUT!  Of course!  But this was the first morning in over a month I didn't want to crawl back under the covers.  I was, actually, anxious to get up and moving!

I expected to be really sore after last night, and I am.  It's the kind of sore that makes you want to do it again, though.  The beginning days of a workout routine are always the hardest for me.  Some people need a buddy to hold them accountable and keep them on track.  I just need motivation.  I have to WANT to do something.  It doesn't matter if I had to answer to 100 people, if I don't want to work out, I won't!  So, it felt really good to have motivated myself to get up and get through my 3 mile workout.

Something I pondered this morning was eating.  We eat for pleasure.  We love the tastes and textures of different foods.  I, however, want to change my mindset towards food.  I want to feed my body what it needs, not just what I desire.  I have set a pretty lofty goal for myself, that I intend to follow through with.  if I continue to eat for pleasure, I'm not sure I can reach it.

So, all my foodies out there!  This is my plea!  Give me some sites to look up and ways to research eating for LIFE.  It has to be food I will enjoy, too though.  If I don't like the texture or taste, I'm going to go for a cheeseburger instead, jus sayin'!  

The first steps of the next phase of my journey to a healthier me have been much harder than you can dream.  Everyday I have to talk myself into doing what I know I must do to get where I want to be.  The key to my motivation?  I WANT it, and I want it BAD! 

Thank you for the continued encouragement.  This week has felt wonderful!  It hurts!  But it feels so good to be moving.  Now if only my body could match the way I feel inside!

Fear is the parent of cruelty. - James A. Froude

I thought I would throw up. Not during the workout, before I even left the house!  I was terrified.  I have not done an official, formal practice of anything since I was 16 years old!  For those not in the loop, I'm almost 32!  That's a long time!

I texted my trusty "campers", and pouted and whined.  I texted my oldest, wisest sister and complained.  I posted my nerves on facebook.  The sky was cloudy, God is this a sign!?  Can I get out of it????  (It was sunny by the time I reached the gym) 

Why was I so frightened?  Easy!!!  These are people who actually DO triathlons!  These are adults who ACTUALLY COMPETE!  They are the level I want to be!  I was sweating and shaking because I didn't even know where to go or who to talk to or what to do next.  But I WANT this, and I want it badly!  I'm never going to get to THAT level without working for it. 

When I took Alex to childcare, I know the girl thought I must have been on speed because my hands were TREMBLING.  People, we are talking REAL FEAR here!  I have not been this afraid since, well I can't think of a time I was that nervous!  So, I went to the locker room to "suit up", and I sat on the bench.  I prayed, "God," I said. "Please....PLEASE don't make me look like an idiot!  PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!" 

I walked, timidly, out to the pool and asked one of the 12 year old (OK they are probably at least 16) lifeguards where to go for Masters.  I could see in his zit covered face that he was thinking, "BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"  However, he politely pointed me in the right direction by yelling across the pool to ANOTHER 12 year old kid.  At this point all eyes are on McFatty Melvin in the Speedo swim dress.  *sigh*

I marched across the deck, spoke to Denise, and she got me started.  She is a tiny, sweet voiced lady.  I never would have guessed that she was really a Swimming Nazi!  She pushed me harder than I have been pushed in 17 years.  It felt GREAT!  THIS is what I love about this sport!  EVERYTHING!  I love the feel of the water.  I love the way the chlorine smells.  I love how good it feels when you know you have pushed yourself as hard as you can go!

Denise had me doing these upper arm drills.  I felt like I had never swam a day in my life.  She was probably silently doing her sinister, Nazi laugh while I was trying to get my body to do what I was telling it.  Why does no one tell us that when we become adults, our bodies do not work in unison?  Our legs do not cooperate with our arms!  So I ask at the end of the workout, "How was I?  Awful?"  Denise, in her sweet little Nazi voice says, "Your form needs work, but you have great endurance."

I guess for today, that is all I can ask for!  I am patting myself on the back.  Not just because I survived the workout, but because I did it!  I stepped out of my comfort zone, and I did it.  For tonight that is enough for me.  Now to take my sore muscles for a nice long soak in a hot bath!  Monday will get here quickly, and I have another workout with that sweet little Nazi!

Pushing on...

OK, this has nothing to do with fitness, but I must say that I appreciate and admire single moms more and more with every passing day of this deployment!  The weight that my little boy carries on his shoulders seems so unfair sometimes.  The weight I carry being the sole responsible party for him seems unbearable!  My only hope is that when all is said and done, he is scarred minimally and appreciates the sacrifices his mom and dad make to give him a good life.  That's all any parent could want, really....

Having said that, what is a better way to rid yourself of stress than exercise!?  So, I really just wanted to stay at home and do nothing today.  Most of the day that's just what I did.  Felt tired and sore and sorry for myself.  But as my mood rapidly worsened this evening, I decided something had to be done.  So I met my good friend Roxanne, and we hit the track. 

Why I feel like I have hit a brick wall this week is completely baffling!  It seems like I am starting to work out all over again from day one!  I'm hurting, tired, and S-L-O-W!  I would understand if I had done nothing while Steven was home, but we exercised while he was here.  All I know is I need to snap out of it!

I am EXTREMELY nervous about starting masters tomorrow!  It will be an excellent workout, but ugh!  It's something I have always wanted, so what can it hurt to just try it?  Wish me luck! 

"Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change." - Jim Rohn

Breathing...I think....

I started the morning out running late.  I hate days like that!  I was determined to swim today!  So I call the "Y" and ask (for like the 50th time) when lap swimming is.  I draw up the courage to go (because it is one thing to swim when no one is there to watch and the ones that are are generally...well...geriatric, shall we say).  We piled into the truck, and again I talked myself out of working out like 300 times before I actually got there. 

As I walked past the pool to enter the gym, I see SO MANY people sitting around and splashing about.  Not just that but young, beautiful life guards...like 12 of them!  I wanted to take my very large, old butt back to the truck and drive home so bad!  But fear of what others think is ANOTHER reason I ended up 125+ lbs overweight!

So what did I do?  I took a deep, shaky breath and marched into the gym.  I swiped my card, I took Alex to childcare, and then....I panicked!  What are these KIDS going to think of my big butt swimming?  Doing the walk of shame across the deck to the lap pool, I had to keep reminding myself to breath.  Trying to do my best to look like I do this all the time, which I do, I trip over my towel and nearly take out 2 lounge chairs!  UGH!  This was not how I wanted to start out!

So I swam my 2000 yards.  I pushed it pretty hard today too.  Some days the water feels smooth and easy.  Some days it is like all you do is fight the water, and that today.  After 100 yards, I thought I wouldn't be able to finish.  I pressed on and when I was done I looked at my watch, only 45 minutes had passed!  How exciting!!!  The first day I swam it took over an hour to do 1500 yards!  Progress is good! 

I, also ran into my new friend Christina today.  She's a lifeguard, and new Masters swimmer.  Guess what yours truly will be starting Friday night!  Masters swim program.  Yes, I am going to bite the bullet and try it!  So wish me luck.  I am off to a good start I think!

The journey of 75 lbs begins with one step

Granted, realistically, I am saying 70 lbs is the goal for 7 months.  Totally doable!  However, it would be nice to lose the extra 5! 

I had NO motivation!  I talked myself out of the workout like 50 times just on the ride from my house to the gym!  (Just ask my mom.  I even told her right before we pulled into the parking lot that I was just going to start tomorrow.)  But starting tomorrow is what got me 125+ lbs overweight.  I want to make a difference in my life TODAY!

So what did I do for my workout today...?  SURVIVE!  Elliptical on incline 10 with 8 resistance for 30 minutes and a 5 minute cool down.  Then a weight session of back, bis, and Tris.  Yes, it was simple.  Yes, I have done more in one day, but I upped my weight a little and increased the intensity of my cardio.  (Higher RPMs and more resistance.)  I thought I would die.

I was reminded in the end how much I love the rubber arm and leg feeling, and how I love knowing I accomplished something great!  An ironman finisher once sent me a picture that said, "Good things come to those who wait.  Great things come to those who are willing to work for them."  I want great things!  I'm EXPECTING great things!  Let's see what happens, shall we?

Simple Brown Packages

So I finally decided that today was the day I would unpack my bags from an amazing weekend with my better half.  "A week later!?" you say?  Yeah.  But if it was the last time you were going to smell your significant other's clothes smelling like them for at least a year, you might wait a week to wash them, too.  All morning I have thought and thought and analyzed and worried and fretted and wrung my hands and cried.....then I had an epiphany!

Today is a special day!  God is answering some very desperate prayers today!  God is saving lives today!  I can wring my hands and cry and worry all day long, but then I give God NO GLORY for what He is doing in my husband, child, and my life today.  "You mean God get's glory in war?!"  Yeah, I do.  Not for the war, but for what He can make come out of it.

Remember Joseph?  His brothers were jealous and sold him off.  Then one day there was a famine and Joseph interpreted a dream and saved them from famine?  (That is the Terri abbreviated version, and may be slightly off BUT) Joseph told his brothers what you meant for evil God meant for good!  Had he never been sold to slavery, he would never find favor with the king and in turn never interpret the dream that saved his nation from famine!  Can God be glorified in war?  ABSOLUTELY!

I have prayed YEARS for God to help my husband find a job, to get us a home of our own, to make me closer to Him, to make me content where He wants me.  Today it hit me.  If Steven never went to war, we would not have the money to move out when he comes home or pay off our debt.  If he never went to war, he would never get a chance to grow spiritually and find that God is closest to us when we are farthest from Him.  I would always depend on Steven to provide the security and strength I need, and never learn to lean on God and find His strength is PERFECT and can carry me!

Today is a sad day for me.  I cry because I miss my best friend and feel my heart is breaking in a million tiny pieces.  BUT today is an excellent day for me, too!  Today I can teach my child that God is amazing in power and has angels who protect his daddy!  That He has angels who protect us!!!  If you don't believe it, read your Bible!  It's right there!  I don't walk into this blindly.  It is HARD!

I walk into this knowing that my God is bigger than any terrorist and bigger than any situation I will ever see.  He loves my husband far more than I can imagine and wants the best for us.  I prayed for answers, and He is delivering!  It isn't the package I chose.  It isn't in the pretty wrapping I prefer.  But sometimes the best gifts are in simple brown packages, aren't they?

The end result is going to be worth the wait.  So I will come to Him and TRUST Him.  (matthew 11:28)  I want THAT rest!  I want to wait quietly in calm expectation for God to restore my strength and help me recover when I am so tired I can't even breath!  And I want to let Him lead me the next year, bc I KNOW that where He goes, only good results will follow.  It won't be easy.  It's going to hurt and I am going to fall, but thankfully when I cry out; He IMMEDIATELY reaches out and picks me up!

So I ask, what is in your brown package?  Did you miss your little God hugs today?  Watch for them!  They ARE there!

So I sat down and watched Alex terrorize the poor seagulls and just prayed...."God please give me peace. Peace and strength...." So when i got up, I looked down and this is what the bench said.....What an amazing God!

A journey Begins with Just One Step....

So, I sit and listen to my 5 year old gently snore beside me and realize that I might have actually ruined him!  No, no, no....  Hear me out.  You see I am afraid....of EVERYTHING!  I must count my steps lest I fall.  I must kiss dad good bye one certain way, because if I don't something terrible might happen.  The napkins have to face that way, the dishes must be done another way, I have to sweep in this direction....  On the way home my child says, "I never want to leave you!  I love this house and how things are.  I want to stay!" 

Horror of all horrors!  Stay?!  In THIS house?  That does NOT belong to US?!  Are you kidding me!?  And then it hit me.  I am so afraid of changing things that I have transferred this fear to my child.  No wonder he can not accept his daddy's deployment.  No wonder he HAS to clean his fork before he moves on to the next food.  I have ruined my child and passed on every fear I have. 

So begins the journey to a new US.  I say us, because I hope that my changes will in turn change him.  I will no longer be afraid of death!  I will no longer be afraid of change....  So easy to say today, but when it comes to it, I might falter....a lot.  However I am determined to raise a well rounded child!  This means mom must not act like an obsessive compulsive moron! 

So wish me luck as we venture into the deployed family unknown and try new things.  This journey will begin with ONE step....And I will not count it!