“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”  -Colossians 3:17

Yeah, so I am challenging myself to learn scripture and whip this old, fat body into shape!  I want to run a 5k race…again.  I mean I did the one, but then I got pregnant and was never able to improve.  I feel as if I’m starting at square one all over again.  Only this time the square feels even bigger and more out of shape. 

The thing about doing a 5k is that you have to TRAIN for a 5k.  Yeah….  So in training for a 5k, I have to actually start running again.  Do you people have ANY idea what it is like to jog with 100 extra pounds on your body?  It’s like stuffing your clothes with jello and running around.  No, really!!!  EVERY body part jiggles and wiggles.  OK, maybe that is TMI, but I’m just keeping it real.  AND it impacts your joints.  That’s a ton of extra weight on these joints!  I know what I feel like I look like running, and I’m fairly certain I look even worse than I can picture!!!  So my fear is that I am going to embarrass myself, along with my sweet friend who has agreed to train with me. 

Here is the thing about this whole situation.  It is extremely reminiscent of when I started swimming again.  I made the walk of shame to the pool in my suit, fat jiggling everywhere.  I was glad I did it!  It was invigorating to be back in the pool and experience the feel of the water.  The monotony of breathing, stroking, kicking, laps….numbers.  I THRIVE with numbers.

I suffer from a mild form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  Not the “I like things my way sort”, but the “I need medication/genuine chemical imbalance” sort.  I always get annoyed with people who tell me they must have it also.  Trust me, what you call O. C. D. is really just being anal retentive.  That being said… My O. C. D. loves the monotony of swimming and jogging.  I can count my strokes, my breaths, my steps, my laps.  It gives me calm and balance.  It’s like free therapy for my condition! 

The problem, I also suffer from Severe Depressive Disorder.  This is also a genuine condition.  I, again, can’t stand for people to say, “I know how you feel!  I’ve been depressed also.”  Ummmm… no, you really don’t.  Unless you have had a genuine depressive condition, you have no idea what it is like to have the chronic pain and fatigue that comes with depression.  It isn’t just a mental feeling of “being down”.  It’s a physiological condition as well.  Depression affects your body in every way.  It makes you “blue”, but it also makes you tired, sore, apathetic, and just generally NUMB.

 I explain all this so that you can understand the pull of this exercise in my mind.  It’s good therapy, but it is hard to get myself motivated to participate in it.  I feel insecure and afraid, but I have to remind myself that the benefits far outweigh that fear.  So, as I move forward I remind myself that all the aspects of my life; what I say and what I do, should bring glory to God.  I should do everything to honor Him. 

Here I go again, making my walk of shame onto the track, this time.  I WILL put my mind over matter and just go out there.  I will put on the compression shorts and pray I don’t embarrass myself.  Most of all, I will suck it up and just do it because God gave me this body.  I need to treat it like a temple of the Holy Spirit, because that is just what it is. 

Let’s hope that poor Chyenne doesn’t run away from me!  Let’s hope that I can daily defeat the depressive part of my mind that always attempts to trip me up and cause me to fail.  No more numb, overweight Terri!  Welcome the new, improved, Joyful and healthy woman!

“Therefore, I urge you, Brothers, in view of God’s mercy, present yourselves as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. This is your spiritual act of worship.” Romans 12:1

I have struggled to make good food choices since I became pregnant with ML.  What is worse is that I became very sedentary in my lifestyle, due to some pregnancy complications.  Since my sweet little princess has gotten here, it is a never ending battle of eat this, not this!  Get up and work out!  I know you’re tired, but you’re also fat!

I swore I would never wear this one shirt EVER again, once I lost weight while SR was on deployment.  Alas, as I got ready for church Sunday, I had no choice but to put the offending shirt on….and I sobbed!  Weight loss is simply mind over matter.  You HAVE to make up your mind and just do it!  For me weight loss takes on many different meanings:

1.       A healthier lifestyle

2.       More energy

3.       Better mental clarity and awareness

4.       When I feel good, I feel good ABOUT myself!

5.       Depression becomes an annoyance and not a battle

6.       I will LOOK better

The list could go on and on and on.  I set a good example for my kids.  I will be around to see my grandkids!  There are literally HUNDREDS of reasons why someone of my stature SHOULD lose weight.  I KNOW why I should, but knowing and WANTING it are 2 totally different things.  This past weekend, I saw myself in the mirror, and I WANTED it!  Last week as I was so tired and lethargic I couldn’t get anything done, I WANTED it. 

When you WANT to lose weight, healthy choices are easy.  When you WANT to become a healthier person, it’s enjoyable to drink lemon water instead of soda; green tea instead of coffee.  When you WANT to lose weight and become a healthier, better you it is EASY to get the exercises in.  The most important word here is WANT!  You must WANT it. 

The good thing for me is that it hasn’t been so long that I’ve forgotten how good it feels to white water raft, swim 3 miles, and climb stairs without being winded!  I haven’t forgotten putting on those jeans and liking the progress, seeing the fat melt from my face, neck, arms, etc.  I WANT that back!

Mostly, scripture tells us that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and boy am I ashamed of what I have done with God’s temple!!!!  I want to serve and honor God with my body.  Not just in the way I conduct myself, but in how I treat it.  I want to fuel my body in such a way that serving is not tiring, but invigorating!

I’m giving myself a 30 day challenge!!!!  Today I made myself do 50 squats and an hour of walking.  I was SUPPOSE to do burpees, but in my defense, I HATE THEM!  I could not make my mind defeat the lack of excitement I felt.  However, tomorrow is a new day, and with it a new challenge.  Tomorrow I will meet my goals no matter what! 

Stayed tuned as I track my journey to a better, fitter me.  I am challenging myself to learn more about the Lord and draw upon His strength as I reach my ultimate goal…. 115 lbs!  “What’s impossible with men is possible with God.”  -Luke 18:27. This is slightly out of context, but my point is that ALL things are possible with God.  And believe me, without God, this is an impossible task for me!  Let’s see how God changes me inside and out!

OK, so I have come to realize that making time to exercise with an 8 week old baby and a 7 year old child….nearly impossible!  I have no idea how moms do this!  I can barely keep the house clean!  Plus, no one tells you that you get so hungry you could eat an entire side of beef when you are nursing!  I mean I seriously have never been this hungry in my entire life!  NOW I remember how I gained 100 lbs after Alex was born. 

So the answer to my problem is quality instead of quantity….which is a problem when I am craving sweets!  I think I could drink a large chocolate shake from Jack’s every day.  When I thought it over, I realized that I craved things like yogurt, chocolate milk, and ice cream when I nursed Alex.  So my thought is that my body must be craving calcium and vitamin D. So, fat free yogurt with granola for breakfast, 1% milk, and calcium supplements to help get the thing my body needs.  AND an occasional chocolate shake ;)

I, also found that I can drink a fruity protein shake in the morning with a cup of coffee when I don’t feel like yogurt.  If I add 1 cup of 1% milk, I can get 33 grams of protein for less than 500 calories.  That is a good way to get nutrients from fruits, get some calcium and vitamins in a quick, easy way.  I can cook chicken breasts or lean meat one day a week, store them in the fridge and eat with a salad or some veggie and have a good, high protein lunch pretty easily. 

Having my food situation under control will help immensely!  The problem is that I WANT to exercise so badly!  How can I get my body back in lean shape and lose weight if I can’t find time to exercise???  I want to have a clean, organized house.  I want to spend time with my son and daughter and enjoy them now.  I want to exercise and get healthier.  Now how do I make ALL of these things happen???????  THIS is my current quandary.  Stay tuned to see if I can find a reasonable resolution!

OK, so I know it has been a while…about 9 months I suppose.  I had every intention of blogging through the pregnancy, but it just didn’t work out.  There were many bumps along the pregnancy road, but we arrived to the end, successfully, with a beautiful daughter.  (The first girl on my husband’s side in 53 years.  The first on mine in 11.)

So I, to my own dislike, gained about 40 lbs in the end.  (I have already gotten 16 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight!)  This was so frustrating for me.  The feeling of being pregnant was so much like being overweight.  I had just shed that part of me.  It was hard to put it back on without having resentment, regardless of the reward in the end.  I know that sounds very selfish, but it is honest, and you guys read for my candor.

So, once I got past the trauma of a repeat c-section, (Which really WAS as much of a breeze as everyone said, fyi!)  And I actually got to SEE and HOLD my bouncing baby girl; it did indeed feel worth it…for a while.  Then, once I drug my pre-pregnancy/post weight loss clothes out of storage and half of them did not fit as well as they had, I knew I had to get back on the bandwagon and lose the weight.  The only problem is that, though not nearly as severe as with my first child, I was/am struggling with a bit of post-partum depression.  

There is NOTHING worse than when you are nursing a baby, carting around a 7 year old, and really all you want to do is sit in bed and cry.  I do make myself shower, most days. (DON’T JUDGE ME!) 90% of the time I actually do get my teeth brushed before noon.  I make myself leave the house.  Though it helps that I have to leave at least 2 times a day to drop off and pick up Alex from school, making it necessary to get out. 

But I regress!  I have set new goals.  I simply have to make the necessary changes for me to meet these goals.  I must set aside my Hershey bars and stop drinking so much Sprite.  Don’t give me that drink diet crap.  I HATE diet drinks!  I have to drink more water and add in my fruits and veggies.  Also, and most importantly, I will have to MAKE TIME for exercise.  THIS is where my biggest challenge lies.

I don’t know how many of my 2 readers actually breastfed when they had their kids, but I assure you, I am all but glued to this kid nearly 24 hours a day!  I promise you I have turned into a dairy cow!  Though I love the bond and the health benefits, it never stops tempting me to just go buy a can of formula and give in to my need for convenience!  Straight up stubbornness and lack of cash are what drives me to continue.  OH!  And the benefits to my daughter of course…ahem….

So, stay tuned as I strive to reach my goal to complete a triathlon, and in the future a marathon!  First, I will work back up to a 5k.  I fear there wasn’t much exercise during my pregnancy due to several complications and a few set limitations.  So I might actually have fallen several steps back.  I will, however, build back up and be even better than before.  Besides, I’m starting ahead of my previous game, right? 

Expecting....

So a couple of weeks ago I fell asleep in the car line, I couldn't eat the dinner I warmed up, and then went to bed an hour earlier than usual.  In turn my husband, not so subtly, placed a pregnancy test on the back of the toilet.  The next morning I humored him and took the test.  Not even 30 seconds passed before that second line came out clear as day.  I am pregnant!  WOW!

My FIRST thought was: This explains SO MUCH!  My second thought, as horrid as it sounds, was: But what about my weight loss journey?!  I'm well aware of how terribly selfish that sounds, and I really do feel awful for even thinking it.  However, the whole point of this blog is to get my thoughts out there in an honest way.  So there it is.  Also, I think that anyone who has ever gone through a journey like mine, you are nodding your head.

So, for the first week and a half I was a little pouty, and not so much excited about the news.  Honestly, it wasn't even just the entire weight issue.  It had a LOT to do with it being so unexpected, though I don't really know why I didn't expect it.  Just saying!  It had to do with money, space, time, are we ready?  You get the idea. Then at the beginning of the week, I had some issues.  Welcome reality!  I have a living person in my body!  I saw the heart beat and fell in love.  Now I'm excited to nurture and grow this little person so i can meet them some day soon!

So my first trip to the doctor she tells me that I can keep up the same activity level, and do all the things I have been doing, just listen to my body.  This was so exciting!  My doctor told me I could continue to lose weight as long as I was eating enough calories for the baby to continue to grow!  JACKPOT!!!!!!  What she forgot to mention is that after 50 yards of swimming, I would be so winded I thought I gained 45 lbs already!  She didn't tell me taking a shower would take all the energy I had.  WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY!!!!????

I know what you are thinking.  "Terri, you already have a child.  You should know this."  You are correct, but how we forget after almost 7 years!  I forgot that you can't go 45 minutes without having to PEE, and that it is trial and error until you figure out what you can actually eat....which isn't much, apparently.  I forgot that walking 2 laps in the first trimester is like jogging 3 on a good day.  UGH!  So, frustrating! 

So, after I get an all clear from my doctor next week, I am hoping to at least get into an easy swim workout.  Maybe a good walk or even a couple of sit ups.  My goal is to survive the 1st trimester so I can get back into a good routine again.  Wish me luck!  This should be an interesting twist on my blog!

When being a mommy is tough....

God knows I feel like the world's WORST mom 99% of the time.  I can think of at least 100,000,000 times I have failed my child and/or let a sweet moment pass without taking the opportunity to show him he means everything to me.  But for all those times, there are the ones where I will stop EVERYTHING to give him my undivided attention.

In THOSE moments, we share that special mother child connection that no one else in the world can understand.  This past year has been the worst kind of torture for me.  Seeing Alex be separated from his daddy, his best friend.  I never had a great relationship with my dad, but I knew when I met Steven that he would make the greatest dad in the world.  That's part of the reason I married him.

Anyway, to see them apart is torture!  Even seeing how Steven reacts to the separation is tough.  Alex has panic attacks at the strangest times.  We have gone through every emotion you can imagine, Anger, hurt, confusion, sadness, etc.  The good thing is that he never holds onto his feelings.  He ALWAYS tells me how he is feeling and what made him feel that way.  I hope that this can continue until he is an adult...even after.  I haven't always had that open dialogue with my parents, and I want that for our family.

At any rate, the only thing he has never been able to articulate to me is why he can't get things done.  "I just can't" is all he says.  Which, until I understood the real problem, frustrated me to NO END.  "What do you mean you can't?!  We don't use that word!  You CAN do anything if you try hard"  You know what we say.  Then I realized, Alex can not complete thoughts.  He can't focus.  He can't concentrate on tasks!  DUH MOM!  I should understand better than anyone!

(Enter guilt stage left)  Yep, the mom guilt enters and you think, "Why didn't I see this before? Why my kid?"  You know the things we ask ourselves.  But more than that I ask, God why do I have to be so high strung with him?  Why am I so mean?  I expect the best out of my kid.  I want him to be a successful adult and contribute to society in a great way.  I want him to feel good about himself and not have to deal with all the things I have had to.  But at what expense? My child's self esteem?  I hope not!

So, what next?  We met with the teacher, we prayed, we have had doctor appointments.  And mostly, I hug him more.  I stop what I am doing to be with him when he needs me.  I think that God gave me these moments without Steven so I could get out of the Dad shadow and love Alex better.  My mom didn't get to spend much time with us, and my dad well....that's a post for another day.  So I haven't been very sure of myself as a mom.

Alex is the best teacher in the entire world.  He teaches me forgiveness daily.  He forgives all of my mommy mess ups.  He teaches me unconditional love.  He loves me in all of my imperfection.  My kid has made me a better person.  For all the negatives of deployment, there is some good.  It has given me a chance to KNOW my kid.  Not just be with him, but get to KNOW him.  Who he is, what he likes, doesn't like, his funny little quirks.  I'm finding that he is more like me than I ever knew.

Thank you, God, for blessing me with this wonderful kid!  Thank you for the joy of getting to know him and being his mommy.  And thank you for the "You're the best mommy in the world" moments that make all the hard stuff worth it!