So the original intent of this blog was to get out my feelings about deployment and the daily challenges that go along with it. I got side-tracked by the exercising and dieting and mostly blogged about that. However, as the last two weeks have proved to be incredibly challenging, I am reminded why I wanted to do this to begin with.
I am in the middle of packing 5 1/2 years worth of belongings. We are indeed moving. Not far, virtually around the corner. I feel it is important to keep Alex's life as simple as possible right now. The fewer changes, the better! But moving and setting up house on my own is much more challenging than I had originally anticipated! (AND EXPENSIVE!) However, I'm proud to say that I have set up all the utilities and trash pick up! WOO!!!!
Second, Alex has had SUCH a struggle this year with school! Last year it was challenging. This year he is already behind. The frustrating thing is watching him become so upset and frustrated with himself. he is such a smart kid, and he KNOWS the answers and what to do. He just can not seem to focus on tasks! We are facing a dr. apt. to follow up on his A.D.D. assessment.
I have heard every opinion there is, but I know what it looks like and I know that when diagnosed and treated properly, medicine CAN help. I also understand that my child has to work hard as well to overcome this. So, for all you people with strong opinions one way or another....Opinions are like butt holes. Everyone has one, and they all stink. That is all I have to say on that topic!
I went to the funeral home this evening. A wonderful man ended his battle with cancer. He strongly resembled (to me at least!) Gene Stallings, and was a perfect example of quiet strength. I feel for his family, but rejoice that he is in heaven and no longer suffering. It was terrible to sit in the funeral home, though.
Not just for the obvious reasons, but every man there, it seemed, had dark salt and pepper hair just like Steven. They were all about the same height and build and Alex JUST knew his daddy was there. You & I, however, know that he was not... Alex FREAKED OUT! He wanted out of there...NOW!
I don't blame him. I can't imagine the emotions of a 6 year old facing the deployment and separation from a parent. Just a couple of weeks ago, Alex was CERTAIN his daddy was in Heaven. He sat in my back seat and just sobbed. "Mommy, I KNOW daddy is in heaven. Why didn't he say bye!?" My heart didn't rip, it shattered into a million pieces. As I held my emotions close, I explained (For the millionth time since Steven left) that Daddy is not in heaven. He is where he is, doing a job that Alex should be very proud of him for.
I know this is a very long post, but it helps me put into words these things. No one, and I mean NO ONE, can truly understand what it is like to be the spouse who stays behind, unless they have been the spouse who has stayed behind. You don't watch the news because you don't want to know. You panic when you see a government vehicle anywhere within a 20 mile radius of your house. There are a million things I could post, but the worst is watching your child struggle.
As we come upon the 10 year anniversary of that horrible day, I think about how those few men changed the course of history forever. They changed the future of MY child's life, and of so many others. I am eternally grateful, that there was another day in history that changed the course of my life. A baby, born in a manger. He grew to be a man and died on a cross to save an entire undeserving world. I know that no matter what this deployment brings, no matter how overwhelmed and stressed I feel, my life is in the hands of the creator. And HE is going to get us through.
I have to trust that He knows what's best for my child, too. God knows Alex's future, and He can heal my child's heart. So tonight I hold him a little closer. I snuggle him a little tighter. And I thank God that He holds my child's future, not some crazy men flying planes, not some dr prescribing medicine. And He holds my future too. No matter how uncertain everything feels, He has everything under control.
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