Expecting....

So a couple of weeks ago I fell asleep in the car line, I couldn't eat the dinner I warmed up, and then went to bed an hour earlier than usual.  In turn my husband, not so subtly, placed a pregnancy test on the back of the toilet.  The next morning I humored him and took the test.  Not even 30 seconds passed before that second line came out clear as day.  I am pregnant!  WOW!

My FIRST thought was: This explains SO MUCH!  My second thought, as horrid as it sounds, was: But what about my weight loss journey?!  I'm well aware of how terribly selfish that sounds, and I really do feel awful for even thinking it.  However, the whole point of this blog is to get my thoughts out there in an honest way.  So there it is.  Also, I think that anyone who has ever gone through a journey like mine, you are nodding your head.

So, for the first week and a half I was a little pouty, and not so much excited about the news.  Honestly, it wasn't even just the entire weight issue.  It had a LOT to do with it being so unexpected, though I don't really know why I didn't expect it.  Just saying!  It had to do with money, space, time, are we ready?  You get the idea. Then at the beginning of the week, I had some issues.  Welcome reality!  I have a living person in my body!  I saw the heart beat and fell in love.  Now I'm excited to nurture and grow this little person so i can meet them some day soon!

So my first trip to the doctor she tells me that I can keep up the same activity level, and do all the things I have been doing, just listen to my body.  This was so exciting!  My doctor told me I could continue to lose weight as long as I was eating enough calories for the baby to continue to grow!  JACKPOT!!!!!!  What she forgot to mention is that after 50 yards of swimming, I would be so winded I thought I gained 45 lbs already!  She didn't tell me taking a shower would take all the energy I had.  WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY!!!!????

I know what you are thinking.  "Terri, you already have a child.  You should know this."  You are correct, but how we forget after almost 7 years!  I forgot that you can't go 45 minutes without having to PEE, and that it is trial and error until you figure out what you can actually eat....which isn't much, apparently.  I forgot that walking 2 laps in the first trimester is like jogging 3 on a good day.  UGH!  So, frustrating! 

So, after I get an all clear from my doctor next week, I am hoping to at least get into an easy swim workout.  Maybe a good walk or even a couple of sit ups.  My goal is to survive the 1st trimester so I can get back into a good routine again.  Wish me luck!  This should be an interesting twist on my blog!

When being a mommy is tough....

God knows I feel like the world's WORST mom 99% of the time.  I can think of at least 100,000,000 times I have failed my child and/or let a sweet moment pass without taking the opportunity to show him he means everything to me.  But for all those times, there are the ones where I will stop EVERYTHING to give him my undivided attention.

In THOSE moments, we share that special mother child connection that no one else in the world can understand.  This past year has been the worst kind of torture for me.  Seeing Alex be separated from his daddy, his best friend.  I never had a great relationship with my dad, but I knew when I met Steven that he would make the greatest dad in the world.  That's part of the reason I married him.

Anyway, to see them apart is torture!  Even seeing how Steven reacts to the separation is tough.  Alex has panic attacks at the strangest times.  We have gone through every emotion you can imagine, Anger, hurt, confusion, sadness, etc.  The good thing is that he never holds onto his feelings.  He ALWAYS tells me how he is feeling and what made him feel that way.  I hope that this can continue until he is an adult...even after.  I haven't always had that open dialogue with my parents, and I want that for our family.

At any rate, the only thing he has never been able to articulate to me is why he can't get things done.  "I just can't" is all he says.  Which, until I understood the real problem, frustrated me to NO END.  "What do you mean you can't?!  We don't use that word!  You CAN do anything if you try hard"  You know what we say.  Then I realized, Alex can not complete thoughts.  He can't focus.  He can't concentrate on tasks!  DUH MOM!  I should understand better than anyone!

(Enter guilt stage left)  Yep, the mom guilt enters and you think, "Why didn't I see this before? Why my kid?"  You know the things we ask ourselves.  But more than that I ask, God why do I have to be so high strung with him?  Why am I so mean?  I expect the best out of my kid.  I want him to be a successful adult and contribute to society in a great way.  I want him to feel good about himself and not have to deal with all the things I have had to.  But at what expense? My child's self esteem?  I hope not!

So, what next?  We met with the teacher, we prayed, we have had doctor appointments.  And mostly, I hug him more.  I stop what I am doing to be with him when he needs me.  I think that God gave me these moments without Steven so I could get out of the Dad shadow and love Alex better.  My mom didn't get to spend much time with us, and my dad well....that's a post for another day.  So I haven't been very sure of myself as a mom.

Alex is the best teacher in the entire world.  He teaches me forgiveness daily.  He forgives all of my mommy mess ups.  He teaches me unconditional love.  He loves me in all of my imperfection.  My kid has made me a better person.  For all the negatives of deployment, there is some good.  It has given me a chance to KNOW my kid.  Not just be with him, but get to KNOW him.  Who he is, what he likes, doesn't like, his funny little quirks.  I'm finding that he is more like me than I ever knew.

Thank you, God, for blessing me with this wonderful kid!  Thank you for the joy of getting to know him and being his mommy.  And thank you for the "You're the best mommy in the world" moments that make all the hard stuff worth it!

Whew! This one will make you tired!

So the original intent of this blog was to get out my feelings about deployment and the daily challenges that go along with it.  I got side-tracked by the exercising and dieting and mostly blogged about that.  However, as the last two weeks have proved to be incredibly challenging, I am reminded why I wanted to do this to begin with.  

I am in the middle of packing 5 1/2 years worth of belongings.  We are indeed moving.  Not far, virtually around the corner.  I feel it is important to keep Alex's life as simple as possible right now.  The fewer changes, the better!  But moving and setting up house on my own is much more challenging than I had originally anticipated!  (AND EXPENSIVE!)  However, I'm proud to say that I have set up all the utilities and trash pick up! WOO!!!!

Second, Alex has had SUCH a struggle this year with school!  Last year it was challenging.  This year he is already behind.  The frustrating thing is watching him become so upset and frustrated with himself.  he is such a smart kid, and he KNOWS the answers and what to do.  He just can not seem to focus on tasks!  We are facing a dr. apt. to follow up on his A.D.D. assessment.  

I have heard every opinion there is, but I know what it looks like and I know that when diagnosed and treated properly, medicine CAN help.  I also understand that my child has to work hard as well to overcome this.  So, for all you people with strong opinions one way or another....Opinions are like butt holes.  Everyone has one, and they all stink.  That is all I have to say on that topic!

I went to the funeral home this evening.  A wonderful man ended his battle with cancer.  He strongly resembled (to me at least!) Gene Stallings, and was a perfect example of quiet strength.  I feel for his family, but rejoice that he is in heaven and no longer suffering.  It was terrible to sit in the funeral home, though.  

Not just for the obvious reasons, but every man there, it seemed, had dark salt and pepper hair just like Steven.  They were all about the same height and build and Alex JUST knew his daddy was there.  You & I, however, know that he was not...  Alex FREAKED OUT!  He wanted out of there...NOW!  

I don't blame him.  I can't imagine the emotions of a 6 year old facing the deployment and separation from a parent.  Just a couple of weeks ago, Alex was CERTAIN his daddy was in Heaven.  He sat in my back seat and just sobbed.  "Mommy, I KNOW daddy is in heaven.  Why didn't he say bye!?"  My heart didn't rip, it shattered into a million pieces.  As I held my emotions close, I explained (For the millionth time since Steven left) that Daddy is not in heaven.  He is where he is, doing a job that Alex should be very proud of him for.  

I know this is a very long post, but it helps me put into words these things.  No one, and I mean NO ONE, can truly understand what it is like to be the spouse who stays behind, unless they have been the spouse who has stayed behind.  You don't watch the news because you don't want to know.  You panic when you see a government vehicle anywhere within a 20 mile radius of your house.  There are a million things I could post, but the worst is watching your child struggle.  

As we come upon the 10 year anniversary of that horrible day, I think about how those few men changed the course of history forever.  They changed the future of MY child's life, and of so many others.  I am eternally grateful, that there was another day in history that changed the course of my life.  A baby, born in a manger.  He grew to be a man and died on a cross to save an entire undeserving world.  I know that no matter what this deployment brings, no matter how overwhelmed and stressed I feel, my life is in the hands of the creator.  And HE is going to get us through.  

I have to trust that He knows what's best for my child, too. God knows Alex's future, and He can heal my child's heart.  So tonight I hold him a little closer.  I snuggle him a little tighter.  And I thank God that He holds my child's future, not some crazy men flying planes, not some dr prescribing medicine.  And He holds my future too.  No matter how uncertain everything feels, He has everything under control.

Reflection....

In case you don't know, today is my 8 year wedding anniversary.  8 Years ago today I committed to love a man for the rest of my life.  On days like today I reflect upon my life and things that have happened.  I'm so glad to have made the choice to spend my life with my amazing husband.  And though we are apart for this special day, I still decided to celebrate!  How, you ask?

Why what does anyone do on their anniversary?  I went dancing.  OK, so maybe not, but I did go to Zumba!  The Zumba instructor at my gym is amazing!  It could be I think this because she is also a dear friend, but that's beside the point!  She is great!  It cheered me up and reminded me of all the things to be happy about right now.  I threw everything I had into my workout today!  I danced my butt off.  No low impact version for me!  I am already dying!  My legs are having muscle spasms!  My arms are like cement blocks!  I love it!!!!  I know I gave all I had, and I can never be upset when I do that. 

I left the gym for the grocery store so I could get something good to eat for dinner.  What else would we have, except Steven's favorite?  Mexican!  (A shame he can't enjoy it with us!)  As I am checking out, the young girl at the check out gave me commentary on all my food choices and finally asked, "Are you on a diet!?"  (Derrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!)  I said, "No.  Just making wiser food choices.  I have lost 55 lbs since my husband left for his deployment in January."  (Pride in my voice and face....which immediately fell at the look over and stunned gasp the girl gave me right before saying) "HOW BIG WERE YOU????"

Ouch!  That one stung.  I was too stunned to do anything besides pay and leave with my tail between my legs.  The more I thought about it the more I knew what she meant.  "You're big NOW, how big could you have been 55 lbs ago?!"  As I reflect this evening on my food choices and exercising over the past several months, I think back to my wedding day.  Yes, big mouth girl made me think of my wedding day. 

Right before I got married I had become very complacent in my diet and exercise.  Slowly I began to gain.  I didn't notice it at first, but when I realized I was pregnant, it was too late.  I had already become a "chubalub".  Once I had Alex, I just got bigger and bigger until...well, I was 5'2 and 278 lbs!  Something had to be done!  THIS is why I am so determined to accomplish this goal! 

This girl saw in me what I see in my reflection daily.  Though I HAVE done an amazing job and lost so much weight, (Insert back pat here) I have a LONG way to go.  If you do the math you will see that I am now 5'2 (which is honestly a generous height) and 225 lbs.  This is still very large for a person of my stature! 

Today is a good day for reflection.  Reflecting on the commitment I made to a wonderful man 8 years ago.  Reflecting on how far I have come in this journal, but remembering how easy it is to become complacent and lazy in my journey.  NO MORE!  Thank God for a rude girl speaking her mind.  It woke up the inner skinny girl ready to push her way out!

If you're going through Hell, keep going!

I have been thinking today.  I know I know I know!  Dangerous, right?  So yeah, thinking.  I came to the conclusion that I have GOT to just make up my mind and push past pain and fatigue to do what needs to be done.  I wake up exhausted.  I feel like if I don't nap in the day I will never make it.  However, I'm learning that the harder I push myself, the more I desire to reach my goals. 

This may seem like a "DUH!" kind of moment to most of you.  For me, it seemed that no matter how determined I was, I was NOT seeing a difference in anything!  No difference in my appearance, no difference in my performance, no difference on the scales.  The beauty of a blog, however, is that you can go back and look at your progress!

I read that I could barely swim 25 yards the first day I tried it.  I read all the pounds lost.  I read the frustration, excitement, concern.  Today I can look at pictures and see glimpses of inches lost.  (Though I do wish it was somewhere besides my face) The main difference is how I feel!  Though I am extremely tired a lot of the time, I feel so much better than I have in such a long time!

Look at all of the things I am able to do now that I was not able to do 6-7 months ago!  Today I can swim 3000 yards in a little over the time it took me to do 1500!  Today I can jog....period.  I could barely walk a mile when I first started!  I was able to climb 5 million stairs for the zipline, raft, play, and on and on and on.  I am proud of myself! 

Every new milestone, I have a renewed sense of accomplishment.  It makes me want to push that much further and try that much harder.  In October I have 2 HUGE events.  First, I will be jogging the 5K Race For The cure!  I can't wait.  I WILL finish!  Second, I am going to swim my first swim meet in over 16 years!!!!  It's terrifying and thrilling all at once! 

So as these HUGE goals loom before, I'm focused and determined.  NOTHING will stand in my way! 

What a difference a day makes!

OK, I admit.  I got the summer lazies and didn't post much.  Partly because there really wasn't much to post, and partly because I wasn't seeing ANY results!  However, two things happened today to renew my desire to push forward!  "What are they?"  you ask.  Well, THAT is what this blog is all about!

First, I had a great swim!  Though not one of my longer distances, I pushed myself very hard.  It was one of those "leave it all in the pool" kinda swims.  I don't do that often when the Swim Nazi is not there to push me. (Nothing but Love for you, Denise!)  But today I just felt the need to kill it.  So I did. 

As I stretched, I realized something.  It took me the same amount of time to do 2400 yards today as it did to do 1200 yards the first day I got in the pool in January!!!  I did TWICE the distance in the same amount of time.  THIS, my dear friends, is PROGRESS!!!!  And for that, I pat myself on the back! 

The second thing that happened is not nearly as exciting for me, but still pretty amazing!  So, Steven came home for his R&R, and I GAINED 8 HUGE lbs!  Once he returned, school was out, and life got unorganized.  I don't do well with "unorganization" (is this even a word?!), though I am NOT an organized person by any stretch of the word!  So my routine went out the window.  And though I was working my butt off, I was not watching my food.  Add in a few vacations and you get yoyo weight!

I never gained too much, but I couldn't lose for anything!  I am PLEASED to tell you that when I weighed this morning, I have lost 3 lbs this week!  (That puts me 1lb over the weight I was when Steven got home....)  WOO HOO!!!!!  With school in, and many things to do before school gets out, including squeezing in a good workout, it's so much easier for me to stick to the plan.  So my hardwork, and non-splurging ways have paid off this week!  And thank God!  I was about ready to give up!

What now?  Well, NOW I really do refocus and push myself to do what needs to be done.  Realistically, I will not lose 70 lbs before Steven comes home, but another 50 is completely doable!  That would make my weight loss just over 100 lbs since January!  Keep the encouragement coming, and let's get the next 50 off!!!!

Vacation!

So I went on a super fun vacation with one of my dearest friends, who is also a part of my husband's family.  I am reflecting today on motivation and progress.  I had a moment in the middle of our vacation where I realized how out of shape I was 6 months ago.  I didn't realize, and still don't fully comprehend, how poorly I had cared for myself! 

As I was paddling while we rafted I kept thinking, "I feel STRONG!  I could do this all day!"  I never fatigued.  I couldn't believe it!  As we climbed the 500,000,000 steps (or at least that is how it felt) on the towers to the different zip lines, I never had to stop and rest.  I made it to the top each time!  AND I did not hold anyone else back....no one waited on me to hurry up!  As a matter of fact the only time anyone had to wait for me was when I was taking pictures, and then I easily caught up with the rest of the group.

I use to break a sweat just standing.  I would get tired just standing around!  While I did sweat a lot this weekend, it was more due to the fact that the heat index was close to 115 most of the time, and less to do with high blood pressure and my lack of fitness.  How freeing for me to not only participate, but ENJOY such an active vacation!

I'm terribly frustrated looking at my pictures.  I wish the outside matched how I FEEL inside.  I FEEL like a new person!  I FEEL light and healthier than I have felt in YEARS....  I guess the outside will come with time.  Such a roller coaster this weight loss journey!  However, for today, I celebrate the accomplishment of all the things I was able to do, that I KNOW I could not have when I started this journey!  Small victories!