Wednesday, May 15, 2013

“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”  -Colossians 3:17

Yeah, so I am challenging myself to learn scripture and whip this old, fat body into shape!  I want to run a 5k race…again.  I mean I did the one, but then I got pregnant and was never able to improve.  I feel as if I’m starting at square one all over again.  Only this time the square feels even bigger and more out of shape. 
The thing about doing a 5k is that you have to TRAIN for a 5k.  Yeah….  So in training for a 5k, I have to actually start running again.  Do you people have ANY idea what it is like to jog with 100 extra pounds on your body?  It’s like stuffing your clothes with jello and running around.  No, really!!!  EVERY body part jiggles and wiggles.  OK, maybe that is TMI, but I’m just keeping it real.  AND it impacts your joints.  That’s a ton of extra weight on these joints!  I know what I feel like I look like running, and I’m fairly certain I look even worse than I can picture!!!  So my fear is that I am going to embarrass myself, along with my sweet friend who has agreed to train with me. 
Here is the thing about this whole situation.  It is extremely reminiscent of when I started swimming again.  I made the walk of shame to the pool in my suit, fat jiggling everywhere.  I was glad I did it!  It was invigorating to be back in the pool and experience the feel of the water.  The monotony of breathing, stroking, kicking, laps….numbers.  I THRIVE with numbers.
I suffer from a mild form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  Not the “I like things my way sort”, but the “I need medication/genuine chemical imbalance” sort.  I always get annoyed with people who tell me they must have it also.  Trust me, what you call O. C. D. is really just being anal retentive.  That being said… My O. C. D. loves the monotony of swimming and jogging.  I can count my strokes, my breaths, my steps, my laps.  It gives me calm and balance.  It’s like free therapy for my condition! 
The problem, I also suffer from Severe Depressive Disorder.  This is also a genuine condition.  I, again, can’t stand for people to say, “I know how you feel!  I’ve been depressed also.”  Ummmm… no, you really don’t.  Unless you have had a genuine depressive condition, you have no idea what it is like to have the chronic pain and fatigue that comes with depression.  It isn’t just a mental feeling of “being down”.  It’s a physiological condition as well.  Depression affects your body in every way.  It makes you “blue”, but it also makes you tired, sore, apathetic, and just generally NUMB.
 I explain all this so that you can understand the pull of this exercise in my mind.  It’s good therapy, but it is hard to get myself motivated to participate in it.  I feel insecure and afraid, but I have to remind myself that the benefits far outweigh that fear.  So, as I move forward I remind myself that all the aspects of my life; what I say and what I do, should bring glory to God.  I should do everything to honor Him. 
Here I go again, making my walk of shame onto the track, this time.  I WILL put my mind over matter and just go out there.  I will put on the compression shorts and pray I don’t embarrass myself.  Most of all, I will suck it up and just do it because God gave me this body.  I need to treat it like a temple of the Holy Spirit, because that is just what it is. 
Let’s hope that poor Chyenne doesn’t run away from me!  Let’s hope that I can daily defeat the depressive part of my mind that always attempts to trip me up and cause me to fail.  No more numb, overweight Terri!  Welcome the new, improved, Joyful and healthy woman!