Fear is the parent of cruelty. - James A. Froude

I thought I would throw up. Not during the workout, before I even left the house!  I was terrified.  I have not done an official, formal practice of anything since I was 16 years old!  For those not in the loop, I'm almost 32!  That's a long time!

I texted my trusty "campers", and pouted and whined.  I texted my oldest, wisest sister and complained.  I posted my nerves on facebook.  The sky was cloudy, God is this a sign!?  Can I get out of it????  (It was sunny by the time I reached the gym) 

Why was I so frightened?  Easy!!!  These are people who actually DO triathlons!  These are adults who ACTUALLY COMPETE!  They are the level I want to be!  I was sweating and shaking because I didn't even know where to go or who to talk to or what to do next.  But I WANT this, and I want it badly!  I'm never going to get to THAT level without working for it. 

When I took Alex to childcare, I know the girl thought I must have been on speed because my hands were TREMBLING.  People, we are talking REAL FEAR here!  I have not been this afraid since, well I can't think of a time I was that nervous!  So, I went to the locker room to "suit up", and I sat on the bench.  I prayed, "God," I said. "Please....PLEASE don't make me look like an idiot!  PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!" 

I walked, timidly, out to the pool and asked one of the 12 year old (OK they are probably at least 16) lifeguards where to go for Masters.  I could see in his zit covered face that he was thinking, "BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"  However, he politely pointed me in the right direction by yelling across the pool to ANOTHER 12 year old kid.  At this point all eyes are on McFatty Melvin in the Speedo swim dress.  *sigh*

I marched across the deck, spoke to Denise, and she got me started.  She is a tiny, sweet voiced lady.  I never would have guessed that she was really a Swimming Nazi!  She pushed me harder than I have been pushed in 17 years.  It felt GREAT!  THIS is what I love about this sport!  EVERYTHING!  I love the feel of the water.  I love the way the chlorine smells.  I love how good it feels when you know you have pushed yourself as hard as you can go!

Denise had me doing these upper arm drills.  I felt like I had never swam a day in my life.  She was probably silently doing her sinister, Nazi laugh while I was trying to get my body to do what I was telling it.  Why does no one tell us that when we become adults, our bodies do not work in unison?  Our legs do not cooperate with our arms!  So I ask at the end of the workout, "How was I?  Awful?"  Denise, in her sweet little Nazi voice says, "Your form needs work, but you have great endurance."

I guess for today, that is all I can ask for!  I am patting myself on the back.  Not just because I survived the workout, but because I did it!  I stepped out of my comfort zone, and I did it.  For tonight that is enough for me.  Now to take my sore muscles for a nice long soak in a hot bath!  Monday will get here quickly, and I have another workout with that sweet little Nazi!