NEVER, ever, ever, ever give up!

OK, so I have a tiny confession to make.  Friday, I MIGHT have been the only person without a life to show up to Masters Swim Practice.  *hanging head in shame*  It took GUTS to get there!  It took guts to swim for the coach in front of all the people splashing about recreationally.  It DID take guts.  TONIGHT?  It took nothing but sheer determination.  With four other swimmers, leaving me in a sea of bubbles....nothing but determination!

I truly wanted to give up tonight.   I never really want to give up.  Tonight, I wanted to throw in the towel and call it quits.  I tell ya, it was not because it was a tough workout, or because it hurt.  It was because it took me TWICE as long to complete the sets as everyone else.  TWICE AS LONG PEOPLE!  At one point, I literally ate my lane buddy's bubbles.  I thought I was going to drown!

I reached deep deep deep (I had to) down into my gut, and I pulled the full workout out of me somehow.  It was the biggest fight of nerves and determination I have ever had!  How bad do I want to do this?  Am I willing to come week after week and nearly drown in order to reach my goal?  Am I willing to humble myself in front of these guys and humiliate myself week after week.  The answer tonight was, YES!

I can not even see a finish line to my goal to compete.  What I CAN see is that I love this sport!  I love the way it makes me feel.  I love the way my body moves through the water.  I love that this is a sport that,  though I am S-L-O-W, comes very easy to me.  I WILL compete again one day!  I will!  It may take a year or ten, but it IS going to happen!

As for tonight, I am just proud I didn't give up!  I'm proud that I kept swimming even though I was repeatedly lapped.  I'm proud of what little bit I have accomplished no matter how slow I am.

Almost one week down, and I've survived!!!!!

For the first time in a long time, I didn't have trouble waking up this morning.  I didn't sleep great last ngiht, but enough.  My body automatically woke up at 5:15-ish.  What does one do when one wakes up well before they expect?  WORK OUT!  Of course!  But this was the first morning in over a month I didn't want to crawl back under the covers.  I was, actually, anxious to get up and moving!

I expected to be really sore after last night, and I am.  It's the kind of sore that makes you want to do it again, though.  The beginning days of a workout routine are always the hardest for me.  Some people need a buddy to hold them accountable and keep them on track.  I just need motivation.  I have to WANT to do something.  It doesn't matter if I had to answer to 100 people, if I don't want to work out, I won't!  So, it felt really good to have motivated myself to get up and get through my 3 mile workout.

Something I pondered this morning was eating.  We eat for pleasure.  We love the tastes and textures of different foods.  I, however, want to change my mindset towards food.  I want to feed my body what it needs, not just what I desire.  I have set a pretty lofty goal for myself, that I intend to follow through with.  if I continue to eat for pleasure, I'm not sure I can reach it.

So, all my foodies out there!  This is my plea!  Give me some sites to look up and ways to research eating for LIFE.  It has to be food I will enjoy, too though.  If I don't like the texture or taste, I'm going to go for a cheeseburger instead, jus sayin'!  

The first steps of the next phase of my journey to a healthier me have been much harder than you can dream.  Everyday I have to talk myself into doing what I know I must do to get where I want to be.  The key to my motivation?  I WANT it, and I want it BAD! 

Thank you for the continued encouragement.  This week has felt wonderful!  It hurts!  But it feels so good to be moving.  Now if only my body could match the way I feel inside!

Fear is the parent of cruelty. - James A. Froude

I thought I would throw up. Not during the workout, before I even left the house!  I was terrified.  I have not done an official, formal practice of anything since I was 16 years old!  For those not in the loop, I'm almost 32!  That's a long time!

I texted my trusty "campers", and pouted and whined.  I texted my oldest, wisest sister and complained.  I posted my nerves on facebook.  The sky was cloudy, God is this a sign!?  Can I get out of it????  (It was sunny by the time I reached the gym) 

Why was I so frightened?  Easy!!!  These are people who actually DO triathlons!  These are adults who ACTUALLY COMPETE!  They are the level I want to be!  I was sweating and shaking because I didn't even know where to go or who to talk to or what to do next.  But I WANT this, and I want it badly!  I'm never going to get to THAT level without working for it. 

When I took Alex to childcare, I know the girl thought I must have been on speed because my hands were TREMBLING.  People, we are talking REAL FEAR here!  I have not been this afraid since, well I can't think of a time I was that nervous!  So, I went to the locker room to "suit up", and I sat on the bench.  I prayed, "God," I said. "Please....PLEASE don't make me look like an idiot!  PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!" 

I walked, timidly, out to the pool and asked one of the 12 year old (OK they are probably at least 16) lifeguards where to go for Masters.  I could see in his zit covered face that he was thinking, "BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"  However, he politely pointed me in the right direction by yelling across the pool to ANOTHER 12 year old kid.  At this point all eyes are on McFatty Melvin in the Speedo swim dress.  *sigh*

I marched across the deck, spoke to Denise, and she got me started.  She is a tiny, sweet voiced lady.  I never would have guessed that she was really a Swimming Nazi!  She pushed me harder than I have been pushed in 17 years.  It felt GREAT!  THIS is what I love about this sport!  EVERYTHING!  I love the feel of the water.  I love the way the chlorine smells.  I love how good it feels when you know you have pushed yourself as hard as you can go!

Denise had me doing these upper arm drills.  I felt like I had never swam a day in my life.  She was probably silently doing her sinister, Nazi laugh while I was trying to get my body to do what I was telling it.  Why does no one tell us that when we become adults, our bodies do not work in unison?  Our legs do not cooperate with our arms!  So I ask at the end of the workout, "How was I?  Awful?"  Denise, in her sweet little Nazi voice says, "Your form needs work, but you have great endurance."

I guess for today, that is all I can ask for!  I am patting myself on the back.  Not just because I survived the workout, but because I did it!  I stepped out of my comfort zone, and I did it.  For tonight that is enough for me.  Now to take my sore muscles for a nice long soak in a hot bath!  Monday will get here quickly, and I have another workout with that sweet little Nazi!

Pushing on...

OK, this has nothing to do with fitness, but I must say that I appreciate and admire single moms more and more with every passing day of this deployment!  The weight that my little boy carries on his shoulders seems so unfair sometimes.  The weight I carry being the sole responsible party for him seems unbearable!  My only hope is that when all is said and done, he is scarred minimally and appreciates the sacrifices his mom and dad make to give him a good life.  That's all any parent could want, really....

Having said that, what is a better way to rid yourself of stress than exercise!?  So, I really just wanted to stay at home and do nothing today.  Most of the day that's just what I did.  Felt tired and sore and sorry for myself.  But as my mood rapidly worsened this evening, I decided something had to be done.  So I met my good friend Roxanne, and we hit the track. 

Why I feel like I have hit a brick wall this week is completely baffling!  It seems like I am starting to work out all over again from day one!  I'm hurting, tired, and S-L-O-W!  I would understand if I had done nothing while Steven was home, but we exercised while he was here.  All I know is I need to snap out of it!

I am EXTREMELY nervous about starting masters tomorrow!  It will be an excellent workout, but ugh!  It's something I have always wanted, so what can it hurt to just try it?  Wish me luck! 

"Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change." - Jim Rohn

Breathing...I think....

I started the morning out running late.  I hate days like that!  I was determined to swim today!  So I call the "Y" and ask (for like the 50th time) when lap swimming is.  I draw up the courage to go (because it is one thing to swim when no one is there to watch and the ones that are are generally...well...geriatric, shall we say).  We piled into the truck, and again I talked myself out of working out like 300 times before I actually got there. 

As I walked past the pool to enter the gym, I see SO MANY people sitting around and splashing about.  Not just that but young, beautiful life guards...like 12 of them!  I wanted to take my very large, old butt back to the truck and drive home so bad!  But fear of what others think is ANOTHER reason I ended up 125+ lbs overweight!

So what did I do?  I took a deep, shaky breath and marched into the gym.  I swiped my card, I took Alex to childcare, and then....I panicked!  What are these KIDS going to think of my big butt swimming?  Doing the walk of shame across the deck to the lap pool, I had to keep reminding myself to breath.  Trying to do my best to look like I do this all the time, which I do, I trip over my towel and nearly take out 2 lounge chairs!  UGH!  This was not how I wanted to start out!

So I swam my 2000 yards.  I pushed it pretty hard today too.  Some days the water feels smooth and easy.  Some days it is like all you do is fight the water, and that today.  After 100 yards, I thought I wouldn't be able to finish.  I pressed on and when I was done I looked at my watch, only 45 minutes had passed!  How exciting!!!  The first day I swam it took over an hour to do 1500 yards!  Progress is good! 

I, also ran into my new friend Christina today.  She's a lifeguard, and new Masters swimmer.  Guess what yours truly will be starting Friday night!  Masters swim program.  Yes, I am going to bite the bullet and try it!  So wish me luck.  I am off to a good start I think!

The journey of 75 lbs begins with one step

Granted, realistically, I am saying 70 lbs is the goal for 7 months.  Totally doable!  However, it would be nice to lose the extra 5! 

I had NO motivation!  I talked myself out of the workout like 50 times just on the ride from my house to the gym!  (Just ask my mom.  I even told her right before we pulled into the parking lot that I was just going to start tomorrow.)  But starting tomorrow is what got me 125+ lbs overweight.  I want to make a difference in my life TODAY!

So what did I do for my workout today...?  SURVIVE!  Elliptical on incline 10 with 8 resistance for 30 minutes and a 5 minute cool down.  Then a weight session of back, bis, and Tris.  Yes, it was simple.  Yes, I have done more in one day, but I upped my weight a little and increased the intensity of my cardio.  (Higher RPMs and more resistance.)  I thought I would die.

I was reminded in the end how much I love the rubber arm and leg feeling, and how I love knowing I accomplished something great!  An ironman finisher once sent me a picture that said, "Good things come to those who wait.  Great things come to those who are willing to work for them."  I want great things!  I'm EXPECTING great things!  Let's see what happens, shall we?

Simple Brown Packages

So I finally decided that today was the day I would unpack my bags from an amazing weekend with my better half.  "A week later!?" you say?  Yeah.  But if it was the last time you were going to smell your significant other's clothes smelling like them for at least a year, you might wait a week to wash them, too.  All morning I have thought and thought and analyzed and worried and fretted and wrung my hands and cried.....then I had an epiphany!

Today is a special day!  God is answering some very desperate prayers today!  God is saving lives today!  I can wring my hands and cry and worry all day long, but then I give God NO GLORY for what He is doing in my husband, child, and my life today.  "You mean God get's glory in war?!"  Yeah, I do.  Not for the war, but for what He can make come out of it.

Remember Joseph?  His brothers were jealous and sold him off.  Then one day there was a famine and Joseph interpreted a dream and saved them from famine?  (That is the Terri abbreviated version, and may be slightly off BUT) Joseph told his brothers what you meant for evil God meant for good!  Had he never been sold to slavery, he would never find favor with the king and in turn never interpret the dream that saved his nation from famine!  Can God be glorified in war?  ABSOLUTELY!

I have prayed YEARS for God to help my husband find a job, to get us a home of our own, to make me closer to Him, to make me content where He wants me.  Today it hit me.  If Steven never went to war, we would not have the money to move out when he comes home or pay off our debt.  If he never went to war, he would never get a chance to grow spiritually and find that God is closest to us when we are farthest from Him.  I would always depend on Steven to provide the security and strength I need, and never learn to lean on God and find His strength is PERFECT and can carry me!

Today is a sad day for me.  I cry because I miss my best friend and feel my heart is breaking in a million tiny pieces.  BUT today is an excellent day for me, too!  Today I can teach my child that God is amazing in power and has angels who protect his daddy!  That He has angels who protect us!!!  If you don't believe it, read your Bible!  It's right there!  I don't walk into this blindly.  It is HARD!

I walk into this knowing that my God is bigger than any terrorist and bigger than any situation I will ever see.  He loves my husband far more than I can imagine and wants the best for us.  I prayed for answers, and He is delivering!  It isn't the package I chose.  It isn't in the pretty wrapping I prefer.  But sometimes the best gifts are in simple brown packages, aren't they?

The end result is going to be worth the wait.  So I will come to Him and TRUST Him.  (matthew 11:28)  I want THAT rest!  I want to wait quietly in calm expectation for God to restore my strength and help me recover when I am so tired I can't even breath!  And I want to let Him lead me the next year, bc I KNOW that where He goes, only good results will follow.  It won't be easy.  It's going to hurt and I am going to fall, but thankfully when I cry out; He IMMEDIATELY reaches out and picks me up!

So I ask, what is in your brown package?  Did you miss your little God hugs today?  Watch for them!  They ARE there!

So I sat down and watched Alex terrorize the poor seagulls and just prayed...."God please give me peace. Peace and strength...." So when i got up, I looked down and this is what the bench said.....What an amazing God!